Too Fabulous for Words

Clearly, I Have Issues

Yesterday I got an invite from my New Fave PR Person* to attend an awesome workshop on photographing kids next month. She tried to woo me to actually read her invitation by claiming that she reads my blog (AT WORK) and it makes her laugh (AT WORK) and then she has to explain herself (AT WORK), so she reads it aloud to her colleagues (AT WORK), so of course I was like "Right on! I'm going to get somebody fired! I can die happy!"

After I RSVP'd her, we emailed half the day away about weekend plans and suddenly I felt the need to send her a diatribe about how Canadians have no clue how to order food at Panera Bread.

[Seriously, what the hell, Canada? It's a cup of soup or a sandwich? Why do you hem and haw over whether you want the Pick Two or maybe just a sandwich? Why do you waffle over a veggie panini or a turkey and avocado on a ciabatta bun? What do you mean you don't know what chipotle mayo is? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND SO I CAN ORDER MY TURKEY ARTICHOKE ON FOCACCIA!]

(Surprisingly, she still emailed me again after that. She must have issues too.)

It was then that I realized I have a long ass list of Things that Are Gay, so I decided to make a list yesterday, if only to amuse myself whilst stuck in traffic outside of Toronto.

So here in no particular order, well, except for number 1. and 2., is my List:

1. Men that wear half-shirts. Come on, do we really need to see your fishbelly white stomach jiggle dramatically while you stroll down the street? Wouldn't a whole shirt look more attractive as you and your babymama wait for the bus? And I don't care if it has a sports team logo on it, there is no way you ever played a sport more strenuous than pounding a six-pack down in your mother's basement.

2. Men that sport mustaches. I don't care that your pervy old uncle or your grandfather or your younger brother look fabulous in their 'staches, there is a reason Magnum PI is no longer on television. There is nothing attractive nowadays about a man with a mustache. Hello? The 70's are calling! The  washed-up porn stars want their upper-lip hair back.

3. Men that drive Camaros/Trans-Ams/Corvettes/Anything with an Old Sunroof. Look, once a upon a time, these cars were "semi-cool" and I mean that in the broadest sense of cool. But if you think driving one in 2010 is bringing your sexy back and that you are totally badass as you rev your engine at a stoplight, then you gotta another thing coming, big boy. My guess, you have a small weiner. It's okay. Time to move on. Invest in the stock market or invent a new gadget. Chicks dig money.

4. Man-pris. Unless you are European (They can pull off purple paisley and white loafers, you can't.), you shouldn't be schlepping around the city in these. Wear some cool shorts. Madras is your friend. Khakis are cool. Wearing pants that end in the middle of your calf? Not so much.

5. Parents that encourage their young sons to grow a rat-tail. This abomination is still being perpetuated in this day and age and I have no idea why. Do four year olds really need to be hanging on the monkey bars with a buzz cut and 12 inches of scraggly hair hanging down their back? Why not just throw a Nascar muscle-shirt on them and buy them a pack of cigarettes already? God, people! Think of the children! Who (besides me) will think of the children? 

6. The rampant use of doggie strollers. Yes, flipping through SkyMall while flying to your destination is an entirely entertaining experience, but actually purchasing any of these items is borderline insanity, people. You do not need a screened-in stroller to walk your dog around the neighborhood. Either let that little poop factory walk on a leash or keep it stuffed and on your couch. If your dog is too ill to be out and about, then keep it the hell home. You wouldn't walk Grandma around in a zippered stroller, would you?

7. Banana clips. Chances are if you use a banana clip, you probably still get Toni home perms in your living room while watching Geraldo. Which is all well and good. If it were the 80's. But it is not. So quit jacking my style (sensibility) by wearing an orange clip in the grocery store.

8. The American version of Wife Swap. This show is pure pablum compared to the awesomeness that is the British version. The UK version is rife with families living on the dole, smacking the shit out of their kids, smoking in the house and both parents spending the evenings at the local pub. It is pure magic. And I haven't even mentioned the horrible teeth. God love 'em all.

9. This Tim Horton's commercial. Jesus Christ, it's a fucking english muffin, dude. Calm the fuck down. Are Canadians supposed to be like, "OHEMGEE, I gotta get that new english muffin! Why didn't someone think of this before?" *headexplodes*

10. And finally, that people are still Googling "Mr. Barky von Schnauzer" and arriving here at my website. WTF, internets? 

I'm sure I could go on and on all day, but I gotta go check my InBox to see if *MNFPRP has been canned yet.

Living the dream. That's my life.

Randomly

You don't realize how horrible the acting and the hair (THE HAIR!) is on the original episodes of Star Trek until you actually sit down and watch it. One of the boys got the first two seasons on DVD for Christmas and it seems like inevitably every night, the husband decides to watch an episode. And it is then and only then, that you can truly appreciate the cheesy plotlines and homemade costumes (and then you wake up in the middle of the night and think you are on a half-deserted planet surrounded by evil, dirty children who want nothing more than to throw their toys at you and call you a Grup*.) I dread the night I wake up surrounded by Tribbles or the weird tan dudes in Grecian clothing and white hair.) In conclusion, I've decided that Captain Kirk is wearing a man girdle and that Leonard McCoy is the grumpiest actor ever and nobody can get me to change my mind.

(See? I actually did pay attention to the lesson on writing a speech in the 10th grade, Mrs. Mitchell.)

[Mrs. Mitchell was the most awesome teacher. She wore eleventy pounds of make-up, had hair like Dolly Parton and liked to regale us with stories about Mr. Mitchell who would go into his garage and play with his nuts.**]

Speaking of bad hair, it is time for me to get my hair cut and highlighted and I am beginning to think I have outgrown the bangs thing for now. Am thinking of letting it grow a bit, but then in the next moment I think, "Ohh, it's almost summer, get it short!" Then I smack myself in the head and realize I NEED the ponytail option because I am lazy.

So very lazy.

(Just look at this blog's posting and you can be the judge of that.)

My poor family is suffering from said laziness. I have to go grocery shopping, but I would rather chew my own foot off, so therefore tonight we may be eating tonight what I like to call "Free-for-all-Fridge-Night". It involves me opening the fridge and saying, "Okay, who wants this red-y stuff? Or this brownish thing? How about this cheese? Yes, that green stuff is supposed to be on there! I paid extra for that! Ohhhh, look! Who wants a yogurt? It just expired yesterday. C'mon!"

In other news, I found a staple in my leftover Chinese food today. The husband ordered me my favorite dish, Shanghai noodles, on Sunday night because I got sick in the afternoon and wasn't able to go to the in-laws for dinnah that night. I had a few then and today, I thought, "Ooooh! yum!" and so I heated it up. I had a few bites and then looked down at all the yummy chicken and noodles when I spied something shiny and uhm, metal? Upon closer inspection, I discovered it was a staple. Apparently my fave Chinese restaurant has taken up accounting whilst they cook.

Delicious, no?

So eating today has been iffy at best. Sometimes trying to get myself to eat is harder than anything else I have to deal with during the day. Finding foreign objects in my food doesn't make it any easier.

Do men eat yogurt? I know MINE do, but why are all the yogurt-centric commercials geared towards women and their weight? I personally only eat Greek (non-flavored) yogurt, but I don't get why marketing is geared towards women. I'm not going to make this a personal crusade, but dudes eat yogurt (good for the gut!) and chicks dig bacon (smells like pig!) so what the hell, America?

This weekend is a long weekend (yay!) so I have a short week to get 167,974 things done before the kids are off on Friday and Monday. In the past, we have always held a Victoria Day BBQ. I was sorta hoping we could go away this weekend, but I think we are going to stay put. So I am going to send the husband for fireworks and I will actually go buy provisions*** for a summer kick-off barbecue.

I will just make sure to leave out the staples****.

*GRUPS! GRUPS! GRUPS!

**I am assuming that she meant his "tools", but even that sounds pervy.

***Oh, yeah, and lunches.

****Staples! A good source of zinc! And a reason for colonoscopies!

Sunday Quickie

Finally got new MacBook Pro set up and info transferred from MacBook Air. Whee! Electronics nerd!

Have had a crazy ass week here, but had lovely lunch with my friend on Friday, where I fed her under-salted potato and leek soup, over-cooked leek and asparagus frittata and a pudding-ish raspberry buttermilk cake. (Go me!)

The older daughter had a sleepover palooza last night with lots of girlie squeals, trips to the mall and chocolate chip cookies.

Spent the morning farting around with DSLR and 50mm lens to come to realize I know dick all about photography and that it was a very Good Thing I purchased new photography book yesterday. Now I should probably read it.

Emmie and I played bubbles this morning and I gotta say, this kid has got some eyelashes.

Note: She OBVIOUSLY did not inherit them from me. (sob!)

She is also quite the coconut.

And she's way better at blowing bubbles than I am at taking pictures.

God. My kids are cute.*

(*Spoken like a true mommyblogger. Jesus, I suck. Somebody slap me.)