Yesterday I got an invite from my New Fave PR Person* to attend an awesome workshop on photographing kids next month. She tried to woo me to actually read her invitation by claiming that she reads my blog (AT WORK) and it makes her laugh (AT WORK) and then she has to explain herself (AT WORK), so she reads it aloud to her colleagues (AT WORK), so of course I was like "Right on! I'm going to get somebody fired! I can die happy!"
After I RSVP'd her, we emailed half the day away about weekend plans and suddenly I felt the need to send her a diatribe about how Canadians have no clue how to order food at Panera Bread.
[Seriously, what the hell, Canada? It's a cup of soup or a sandwich? Why do you hem and haw over whether you want the Pick Two or maybe just a sandwich? Why do you waffle over a veggie panini or a turkey and avocado on a ciabatta bun? What do you mean you don't know what chipotle mayo is? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND SO I CAN ORDER MY TURKEY ARTICHOKE ON FOCACCIA!]
(Surprisingly, she still emailed me again after that. She must have issues too.)
It was then that I realized I have a long ass list of Things that Are Gay, so I decided to make a list yesterday, if only to amuse myself whilst stuck in traffic outside of Toronto.
So here in no particular order, well, except for number 1. and 2., is my List:
1. Men that wear half-shirts. Come on, do we really need to see your fishbelly white stomach jiggle dramatically while you stroll down the street? Wouldn't a whole shirt look more attractive as you and your babymama wait for the bus? And I don't care if it has a sports team logo on it, there is no way you ever played a sport more strenuous than pounding a six-pack down in your mother's basement.
2. Men that sport mustaches. I don't care that your pervy old uncle or your grandfather or your younger brother look fabulous in their 'staches, there is a reason Magnum PI is no longer on television. There is nothing attractive nowadays about a man with a mustache. Hello? The 70's are calling! The washed-up porn stars want their upper-lip hair back.
3. Men that drive Camaros/Trans-Ams/Corvettes/Anything with an Old Sunroof. Look, once a upon a time, these cars were "semi-cool" and I mean that in the broadest sense of cool. But if you think driving one in 2010 is bringing your sexy back and that you are totally badass as you rev your engine at a stoplight, then you gotta another thing coming, big boy. My guess, you have a small weiner. It's okay. Time to move on. Invest in the stock market or invent a new gadget. Chicks dig money.
4. Man-pris. Unless you are European (They can pull off purple paisley and white loafers, you can't.), you shouldn't be schlepping around the city in these. Wear some cool shorts. Madras is your friend. Khakis are cool. Wearing pants that end in the middle of your calf? Not so much.
5. Parents that encourage their young sons to grow a rat-tail. This abomination is still being perpetuated in this day and age and I have no idea why. Do four year olds really need to be hanging on the monkey bars with a buzz cut and 12 inches of scraggly hair hanging down their back? Why not just throw a Nascar muscle-shirt on them and buy them a pack of cigarettes already? God, people! Think of the children! Who (besides me) will think of the children?
6. The rampant use of doggie strollers. Yes, flipping through SkyMall while flying to your destination is an entirely entertaining experience, but actually purchasing any of these items is borderline insanity, people. You do not need a screened-in stroller to walk your dog around the neighborhood. Either let that little poop factory walk on a leash or keep it stuffed and on your couch. If your dog is too ill to be out and about, then keep it the hell home. You wouldn't walk Grandma around in a zippered stroller, would you?
7. Banana clips. Chances are if you use a banana clip, you probably still get Toni home perms in your living room while watching Geraldo. Which is all well and good. If it were the 80's. But it is not. So quit jacking my style (sensibility) by wearing an orange clip in the grocery store.
8. The American version of Wife Swap. This show is pure pablum compared to the awesomeness that is the British version. The UK version is rife with families living on the dole, smacking the shit out of their kids, smoking in the house and both parents spending the evenings at the local pub. It is pure magic. And I haven't even mentioned the horrible teeth. God love 'em all.
9. This Tim Horton's commercial. Jesus Christ, it's a fucking english muffin, dude. Calm the fuck down. Are Canadians supposed to be like, "OHEMGEE, I gotta get that new english muffin! Why didn't someone think of this before?" *headexplodes*
10. And finally, that people are still Googling "Mr. Barky von Schnauzer" and arriving here at my website. WTF, internets?
I'm sure I could go on and on all day, but I gotta go check my InBox to see if *MNFPRP has been canned yet.
Living the dream. That's my life.
Yes, I thought Wife Swap was going to much more interesting than it turned out to be. ;) To be fair, sometimes normal shirts on us guys (not me, naturally) end up as half shirts because we have, uh, thyroid issues. Just sayin' ;)
Posted by: Jeff Roney | May 21, 2010 at 03:38 PM
Hee! I am sure you were disappointed. ;) Please avoid all half-shirts/muscle-shirts and wifebeaters.
Posted by: Me | May 21, 2010 at 03:44 PM
"You wouldn't walk Grandma around in a zippered stroller, would you?"
OMG, I died!
Posted by: Cheryl | May 26, 2010 at 03:32 PM
I just saw this! Hee! Glad you enjoyed my rant. ;)
Posted by: FabGirl | May 29, 2010 at 02:24 PM