It's Been 10 Months, 2 Weeks and 4 days...

*This post was started last month, but I obviously saw something shiny and abandoned it. I'm pretty sure my blog is fucking pissed about being ignored for so long. I'll have to buy it something pretty.

This past year has been hard, man. I know it sounds flippant, but if I really, really tell anybody about it, they are going to headstab themselves in boredom. Apart from me being sick, I think the thing that was the hardest to deal with was that *I* failed.

My body failed on me. I am supposed to be a strong, healthy woman. Instead I spent day after day throwing up repeatedly. I didn't have the energy to dress, much less go out. I was tired. I was spent. I was a complete mess.

I began to be unable to do anything around the house. I failed as a mom. My kids had to rely on my already busy husband for meals and homework help. He had to take over grocery and clothes shopping. He did everything for these kids and so much more.

Thank God for my husband. I definitely failed as a wife. It's a good thing he's impervious to my insanity and managed to put up with me for months and months and months of me not getting better. Frankly, I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd smothered me in my sleep, just so he didn't have to wake up one more day to the sound of my retching.

I failed as a friend. I couldn't keep up. They stopped calling. And while I got angry because "Where's mah support?" was running through my head, I totally can't blame them. Nobody wants to be around a person who looks and feels like shit. Now I don't know how to make amends and the guilt constantly haunts me.

I failed as a blogger. This blog has always been my cheap form of therapy, because Lord knows I'd much rather spend the money on a new purse. In the 8 years that I've been on the intarwebz, I've made some really, really good friends. I'd like to think that they will understand my absence and welcome me back.

In the past two months, my symptoms have abated somewhat. I still throw up 3-4 times a week. I still struggle with eating a whole meal. I still have to force myself to eat. But it's better. Better to the point where I can shower regularly. I can go out and not have to worry where the nearest bathroom is. I can focus on work. I can focus on my family. I can focus on being *me* again, instead of a sick person.

About 7 months ago I met some people on Twitter. They were fun. They were kind. They made me laugh when I desperately needed some laughter in my life. As the months rolled by, these women became good friends. We talk on the phone. We celebrate birthdays and the holidays. I'd like to think that these women saved me from a very deep and very dark abyss of which I was slipping into. (Shut up, I know it's a preposition.) Every day hundreds of emails zip into my inbox as we discuss our daily lives, our injustices and our grievances. (Of which there are many.) Their constant contact has built me up and gotten my head cleared. I know feel that I can plan things in the future and be confident that I can follow through with these plans.

Next week I am getting in the car and driving to Detroit to visit one of these "internet" friends. I am hoping she is not disappointed after meeting me. I know that I won't be disappointed in myself. Because I am finally taking back my life. It may not be perfect, but it's my life and I want to live it. (Yes, I totally stole that Jon and Kate Plus Eight, fuck off.)

So there's your update My Dear Internets. I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to telling you. Now to resume some interesting blog posts and quit being so fucking maudlin.

Love,
Kimber

Comments

[Leslie Poston]

I'm glad you can see the light of day again :) But since I "met" you on Twitter I had no idea you were "gone" here, so here's a belated hug for a suck ass year.

@geechee_girl

[pprlisa]

Kimbah you crazy bitch! You could never disappoint me! I can't wait to meet you, and not just because of the "Who gets to meet Kimber first?" contest. (Answer: MEEEEE bitches!!!) But because I love you, really love you. You've become a part of our lives too and don't think you haven't helped us like we've helped you. Also shhhhush on the hundreds of emails a day - surely an exaggeration ;)

So happy you are doing better, are blogging and most importantly, are coming here to visit. I have the Precious Moments on display ready for your inspection:)

heeee

Love ya,

Lisa

[akamonty]

You mean you have OTHER friends than ME and those 2 skanky hoors? WHAT? :)

I would just like to say THANKS for letting Lisa win, now she's REALLY going to be insufferable and I blame you.

Also it is PERFECTLY CLEAR that *I* love you the most. With 25% less skank.
I couldn't make it through the day without you, which is why I got all shouty last night.
XOXOXOXOXOX

[Wendy]

Love ya, baby! Thanks for being spreading your sunshine on Twitter:) Sorry for the suckish year - but sounds like things are on the upswing (except for that trip to Detroit!).

Please meet me in Rochester SOON!!! We live the closest of any of these hoors... and... well, I need to get out of my house and see your smiling face in person!

[Rachel]

I had no idea you were sick!!! :( I feel like a bad internet friend 'cause I didn't know. I didn't even have the chance to send you virtual teas, or worry about you. (I'm so good at worrying for people... oh ya!)

I hope you keep on feeling better... being sick sucks, tons and tons. Throwing up sucks even more.

[pprlisa]

Oh dear - I also forgot #SOMCSB. and I really mean that, very sincerely.

[JamiMiami]

First, let me announce to you that I have moved to Detroit. So the person she is visiting in Detroit is MEEEEEE!!!

Also, you broke my RSS feed. It couldn't handle the fact that there was an update from the Fabulous one.

Also...also... ;-) I'm happy to hear that the mommyblogosphere has its FabMom back. heee.

Also, and for REALZ: I love you more than those others do. I'm happy that you're better and that "I" had something to do that with that.

If I had a blog I would talk about how awesome you are and how much I depend on your emails getting me through the day. Since I don't I'll keep coming back here to remind you.

Paco, Pablo, Sidonie, the rented kids and Carlos are all looking forward to meeting you soon.

Besos y Abrazos,

The UPS Girl

[Heather]

I'm so sorry you've been feeling so awful! I wish I'd known, so I could send some kind thoughts your way. I have you on my Google reader, so when you post, I'm still here for the updates.

BTW, I'm sure you're completely behind on blog reading, but we're expecting twins this summer!!!! And we found out last week that it's twin boys. So I know a little bit about how you feel about relying on the DH for lots of help. Mine's been great.

[PopDaddy]

God what a relief! So great to see you on the comeback trail! So bring the comebacks!

I'm so glad I met you. If it wasn't for you and the lure of your BOOBs, I would have been long gone from Twitter by now. And thanks to you, I met so many cool, fun people (many of them have commented above).

Of course, on the other hand, there are the shiv wounds, the head stab scars, and the home "assignments." But this isn't about me.

Oh, but one more thing, as a non-woman of Twitter (shut up), let me say I wouldn't have made this far in my recovery from "what Wendy said"-ness if it wasn't for your support and encouragement (or whatever the politically correct term for spanking is).

So it's so great to hear the good news. Continue to gather your strength. And then bring it on!

Fondly,

Your ex-cabana, but not bitter, boy.

-PD

[Courtney]

well, Ive only just stumbled across you on Twitter, so I had no idea what a bog wife, mother, blogger, person you were and/or are. I just appreciate that anyone who will allow their children to sing to P!nk loud is good enough for me.

What on earth had you so sick? (ignore if the question is too rude)

[Jessica (at It's my life...)]

I had something totally awesome to post, but first I went and read your post about going to Detroit and now I can't think of anything other than... oh, uh, ah... I've taken a pregnancy test in a Target bathroom (blush). It was because there was no way I could be pregnant, but I was convinced I was, and if my husband had seen the test he would have died, and I love my husband. And I wasn't pregnant, just very premenstrual, and seriously there should be a test for that too.

Oh and, I'm so glad you're back. Spying on you on Twitter just wasn't cutting it for me any more. And I hate that there are only so many times you can say "dude, I'm SO sorry you're sick." before you worry that the person is going to get sick of hearing you and since they're already sick that ads extra guilt. But, ah, I'm so sorry you were so damn sick.