This Is Why I Am Such a Trendsetter

Today is Thanksgiving here and that means one thing, I'm roasting a turkey. It also might mean so other shiz about reflecting and giving thanks about all the joys in our lives, but fuck that shit, just gimme mah turkey-lurkey and the dingo will give you back your baby. The word lurkey is kind of funny. Say it with me now, lurkey. See fun, right? It totally sounds like a British word, like bangers and mash and bubble and squeak.

"Pip-pip, my dear Reginald, could you be a dear and run to the shoppe and pick me up a lurkey, some beans and a stick of butta?"

Actually, they don't say butta, but those wacky Cockney's like to drop their first consonants, which is always lovely to hear some lady shout to her lay-a-bout son, "Colin! Come 'ere and fetch me me fags!"

The husband woke me up in the middle of the night by saying, "Fuck-fuccck." and I was getting all fidgety thinking he was up for some  marital "bliss" and then I started worrying I was going to have to go downstairs and sleep on our leather couch. The very couch that is freezing cold, even in the middle of summer, and likes to suck things into its v-shaped crevices. "Gimme your loose change, remote controls and your ass! NOMNOMNOM." But luckily he was just worried about something called "work", so I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Anyway, back to Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday besides Christmas and my birthday, and I am sure I only like those holidays because they are days that people give me stuff. Turkeymashedpotatoesstuffingcasserolesgravy that's where it's at, baby.

The mothership called me last night to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving and to inform me that she is cat-sitting a three-legged cat. As I was sitting there wondering how any of the above warranted me answering the phone, as I was watching CSI, she then told me that her manfriend, Bob, who resides in New Mexico, had asked her if he come to Reno to visit her this week.

Mom: So of course, I told him, "No." as I am watching a disabled cat. And it is really a lot of work.

Me: He's not disabled, he's paw-challenged.

Mom: I is very hard to watch him, Kimberley. He has to hop around and it is so sad.

Me: Mom, Kangaroos and bunnies hop around and nobody feel badly for them.

Mom: I think he's depressed.

Me: Mom, quit psychoanalyzing the cat and call back Bob. And get the cat a little cat-sized Rascal, that could be fun watching him burn wheelies in the kitchen.

It was at this point that she suddenly realized that her salmon was burning and I got to resume watching CSI.

Thank God.

We spent the weekend in Rochester, NY this weekend and yesterday as we were driving home, I noticed tons of hawks soaring and circling along the Thruway, like it was National Hawk Soaring Day. I kept getting a little freaked out because what if it was an omen and they were just waiting for a 27 car pile-up, so they could then swoop down and peck our eyes out. Sthen I decided that they weren't hawks at all, but instead turkey vultures and I kept saying to the husband, "Look! There's another turkey vulture!" And he would then inform me it was just a bloody hawk and to shut up already.

After about five more turkey vulture sightings, Miguel turned to me and said, "Are you doing this to mock my brother?"

Me: What? No. What does he have to do with turkey vultures?

Miguel: because every time we see him, he mentions seeing one or having an encounter with one. He mentioned it just two weeks ago.

Me: I didn't even know we had turkey vultures in Canada! And what? I've never heard him mention a turkey vulture in conversation.

Miguel: Well, he does. Like, "I opened the door and the turkey vulture flew over my head and pecked me once." guaranteed he'll bring it up again tomorrow.

Me: Wow, I am going to have to start listening to your family more.

So at this point I decided that turkey vultures are the new ninjas. And now I am totes going to change my Twitter bio to say, "part-time turkey vulture" and I am going to get a tat of one on my arm, just like Vin Diesel. Well, he will get one just like me once he sees how cool it is.

Speaking of twitter, there is this one chick who is constantly tweeting "ONLY 78 more days until Christmas!" in this really annoying and chirpy tone that makes me want to reply to her with this:

@BitchFace OMF, It is only October! Let me get through fucking Halloween already!

(No, her name is not @BitchFace, but I am now going to go look and see if that name is available, just so I can make an account and tweet ONLY about turkey vultures, gravy and bringing back Soul Train.)

TURKEY VULTURES, FTW.

Also? OHMAHGAWD I forgot to turn the oven on, why am I so dumb. Wait, don't answer that.

I just looked up and I see Mackenzie has my scarf wrapped around her 3 year old sister and they are both wearing cowboy boots and trotting around the living room. For some reason, I am going to continue to let her treat her baby sister as her personal pony.

#bestmomevar

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Comments

[Braziliangirl]

You always make me laugh! I love your writing! Kudos from Brazil!

[Daughter of Cancer]

You're insane, but that's probably why we all love you. :-)

Happy Thanksgiving! :-)

TalTalK

[Bitchface]

I can't believe that you called me out on this blog. I am trying to get you to go shopping NOW! Also, I totes want a tattoo to be like you and Vin Diesel. He's that guy who played the cop in all the movies, right? Or was that Steven Segal? Well, whatever. Hope you enjoy the turkey vulture! Happy Lurkey Day. Cherio!

[twitter.com/PopDaddy]

What's a dingo?

[twitter.com/stales]

YO! happy lurkey day.

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[Soft Scrub Captains]

Hi! We’ve been reading your blog and love the way you write, so we want to extend a special invite for you to apply to become a Soft Scrub Club® Captain.

From the applications we receive, we will select 200 cleaning enthusiasts to receive a FREE Soft Scrub® product before it hits the store shelves as well as additional promotions and offers.

If this sounds like something you'd be interested in please go to http://application.softscrub.com this Monday, December 7th, 2009 and fill out an application form! We look forward to reviewing your application.