It's Not You, It's Me

(AKA: No, internets, I have not died of a communicable disease, I just have been damn busy.)

(OR: I am just a giant loser who forgot about her blog.)

(OR: I spend my days emailing a bunch of greedy hoors who suck up all my funny and my time.)

(OR: I am blogging from the dead. Because I caught the swine flu.)

So, hey, what's up mofo's? Remember me? What do you mean no? I am the girl who waxes on about the State Of Her Boobs, the girl who bitches about her editors and all things PR, the girl who has had more accidents and maladies than any other blogging bitch out on the world wide webz.

Still no? Look! It's me! Kimber!

Come onnnnn, I know it's been like coughcoughfourandhalfmonthscough, but I am pretty memorable, no? Remember the halcyon days of me going purse shopping? The finding of used pregnancy tests in Wal-Mart bathrooms? The endless trips to Disney? The Moms Gone Wild trip back to my hometown, Reno, NV?

Okay, whatevs. You be like that, Dear Internets, I don't need you. I can quit you any time. ANY TIME, YOU HEAR?

PLEASEPUHLEEZECOMEBACKANDBEMAHFRIENDISWEARITISALLLISAJAMIANDSHANNONSFAULTS.ISWEARTOBEGOODFROM NOWON.LETMETONGUEKISSYOUANDMAKEITALLBETTEROKAYMAHPRESHUS?

Ahem.

So, what have I been doing all this glorious blog-free time, you ask, as you shake your head and tsk at me?

Well, work. You can find me now writing fabulous articles about saving money for the wonderful people at Quicken. Please don't tell them that I don't know how to save money at all and I think that an IRA is a funny name for an old man.

Also, you may have forgotten that I have eleventy billion children and I have been driving them here and there, to and fro and back and forth.

Annnd, as for my stomach issues, they got better, waaaaay better, but I've been so busy this summer, traveling, working, breathing and such that they have come back a wee little bit. Not as bad as before, but I do have some craptastic days. I am dealing with it, by using my friend De Nial. So far it is working fabulously. (notsomuch)

Last weekend, I had a press trip to Toronto, which was the third time I've been away in three weeks, so I was a leetle crankified. (A digression: I have finally unpacked all the suitcases in this house! I am such a rockstar!)

Anyway, while I was there, I took the kids to Toronto Islands, which is a place I've been wanting to go to for a fafillion years, but we just have never made the effort to get there.

We parked the car and forked over $20 to walk three blocks to the ferries. The sun was out. it was warm and breezy. We buy our tickets and wait for the cutie ferry to come pick us up. A cloud blows by. Time rambles on. The boat appears and we board. Whee! Fun day ahead!

As soon as the engine cranks up to go, I look out the window and see this:

Yeah. I know, right? What the fuck? Where is my sunshine and lollipops?

So we get off the ferry and walk, in a fucking monsoon, to the only shelter nearby. A Pizza-Pizza kiosk. We wait. We watch other people wait. We have a snack (because I am such an awesome fo-shizzle mommyblogger and I packed snacks. Unhealthy ones, but STILL.) We wait some more. We start to stare at the other people and play "Who do you think is a visitor from a foreign country?" We make fun of the 30 people who don plastic garbage bags and walk out into the thunderstorm, presumably to never be seen again. 

Time is a vacuum. I start dreaming about swimming back to Toronto and becoming a go-go dancer on Yonge Street.

An HOUR later, the rain slows. The clouds part. The birds sing. Jesus comes out of the mist to greet us and beckon to come with him to Nirvana. Or maybe it was some biker dude asking where the bathroom was. Whatever.

We finally left and headed to Centreville. The kids had some fun. I walked around and groused about my hair and WHY ARE THERE NO DAMN SOFT PRETZELS ON THIS ISLAND. I was about to go all Tom Hanks on that island's ass when I saw this (NSFW):

Only in Toronto.

Oh, no, I didn't. But how awesome would that have been?

Comments

[Lisa]

HAAAAAAA - welcome back and thanks for giving me a laugh and a reminder to look at that pic :)

Glad you're back - hope you start blogging more - and maybe mention one of the two OTHER times you were gone this summer - esp the first one - geeezzz!! :)

[Wendy]

You're all kinds o' wacko. And I loves you for it!

[lceel]

Well than you. If I didn't feel inadequate before, I certainly do now. *starts looking through emails for that last "Male Enhancement" ad*

[Heather]

Sorry the weather was bad. You're lucky I have Google Reader. Otherwise I wouldn't know that you've posted recently. We had twin boys this summer, so I'm really behind on blog reading.

[Heather Cook]

Oh my gosh... that was some picture!! Please come back... PUHLEASE come back, I miss your bloggin'.

[Jen]

It's been two months since this post...I'm just sayin'. *mwah*