Too Fabulous for Words

A Fafillion Things I Hate (in no particular order)

OH HAI.

Have been ridiculously busy lately, which I've noticed has made me hyper-aware of stupid shit that continually happens around here. So I've come up with a half-assed list of STUFF THAT PISSES ME OFF.

Please feel free to delete me off your RSS feed.

1. People who delete me off their RSS feed because I get all ranty on MY website. Dude, if you want all sweetness and light, go read about making cupcakes on some mommyblogger's website.

2. People who continually let me down, even though they promise they never will and yet it happens every single week. Of course, I am too stupid to cut relations with these people because apparently I like banging my head on my desk. OHMAHFUCK.

3. People who make promises and do not follow through. Once, I can deal with. Twice, okay, you were busy. Three times? I NEED MY HEAD EXAMINED.

4. People who divulge your personal information for other's entertainment. WTF.

5. PR People who do not call you back. Isn't it your JOB to call me back? Oh, that's right, you were at lunch.

6. People who let their dogs use my lawn poop on my lawn and just keep walking. You suck.

7. People who continually bitch about the economy, "Oh, poor me and my retirement." and then go out and buy a whole new wardrobe/plasma TV or go to Aruba.

8. The high cost of cereal. It is rice or oats or wheat. Why the fuck is it $4.79 a box? And why do my children eat so much of it?

9. Cats that barf on the my carpet. My house is like 85% wood floors and tile. Why do the cats insist on throwing up on the one thing in the house that is fucking ridiculous to clean? And why do they do it at 3 am, otherwise destroying my dream of me and Gordon Ramsay making out?

10. Douchebags. Enough said.

11. Husbands that ask you to find an invoice that needs to be paid that very day and let you waste 2 1/2 hours of your very busy day, only to find out it's on their computer as a fucking PDF file.

12. Dora the Explorer.

13. Emails from Self.com that insinuate I am out of shape and eating poor meal choices every day.

14. People who call you in order to get you to do something for someone else that they very well could have done them themselves, if they picked up a fucking phone.

15. Vacuuming.

16. Laundry. Where the hell is my naked manservant?

17. People who call and trill "We MUST get together!" and then they are nevar to be heard from again.

18. Colds. Flu. Nausea. Fevers. Bite me.

19. Turning 38 next week. I cannot be 38. That is not possible. Clearly I am still 27. Right? Oh, shut it.

20. Just about everybody on American Idol. I like the cutey black nail polished emo kid, but that's most likely because I am pretty fucking emo these days.

21. People with blue ducks and shit in their house. Hello? It's 1985 calling, they want their decor back.

22. People who talk about social media but are not social themselves. WTF is up with that?

23. Assholes who drive enormous pick-up trucks and have that annoying peeing Calvin on the window. Yeah, dude, I bet your package is incredibly small.

24. People who want you to love their God. How about we keep that shit to ourselves, mmmkay?

25. And finally, not having enough time to blog. I've missed you My Dear Internets. Come over later and let me love you up.

So I Went to Detroit

And probably ruined my liver.

It was totally worth it.

It's not every day you go to the local Wal-Mart and find one of these babies in your stall. Apparently the loving couple could not wait to get home. Most likely they went home on different buses that day. And this was the Wal-Mart the Lisa *assured* me was the nicest one in MI. Yes, it's so nice that all the dudes are bringing their would-be baby mamas there to buy a cheap test.

(I've never seen a used pregnancy test in a Target bathroom. Just sayin'.)

This is my new boyfriend. You'll notice he is unshaven.

We went to the mall to buy ME a purse*, but Lisa is so selfish she bought herself a hat. Don't tell her it's kind of dated. Also? Check out that scarf in the back. I should have convinced her that it was a good match with the hat.

 

When Lisa wasn't looking, which was A LOT, I took pictures of myself in the bathroom. Not that I had a lot of free time. It's just that she was  either passed out, shaving her cat or making eggs. For herself.

We did a lot of eating out. Meat-based meals. We were like dudes, only less hairy and with cuter purses. We had the cutest waiter at Buffalo Wild Wings one night. We were the only chicks there not wearing a Nascar shirt. I think the waiter thought we were lesbians. Which was after he saw me kissing Lisa.

*Speaking of purses, I was in such a hurry to pack, I threw my wallet in my diaper bag and hopped in the car on Thursday. MY DIAPERBAG. Yeaaaah, awesome. So very fashionable.

So we went purse shopping.

And then more purse shopping.

I discovered I really am THE PICKIEST PERSON EVAR.

Eventually I found a black leather Zoe purse. I LOVE IT.

And then Lisa bought a totally cute brown Coach tote. I am going to steal it next time I am there because I will distract Lisa with a bottle of Merlot and cassette mix tape.

Saturday night, Lisa made me go to her sister's party. It was extremely fun, especially when some of the party goers had a grope fest right next to our table. It was like a frat party for 40 year olds.

Thanks for the extremely fun weekend, Lisa. I can't thank you enough for letting me come to your house and sit around and get drunk with you. I can't wait to do it again.

xoxoxo

It's Been 10 Months, 2 Weeks and 4 days...

*This post was started last month, but I obviously saw something shiny and abandoned it. I'm pretty sure my blog is fucking pissed about being ignored for so long. I'll have to buy it something pretty.

This past year has been hard, man. I know it sounds flippant, but if I really, really tell anybody about it, they are going to headstab themselves in boredom. Apart from me being sick, I think the thing that was the hardest to deal with was that *I* failed.

My body failed on me. I am supposed to be a strong, healthy woman. Instead I spent day after day throwing up repeatedly. I didn't have the energy to dress, much less go out. I was tired. I was spent. I was a complete mess.

I began to be unable to do anything around the house. I failed as a mom. My kids had to rely on my already busy husband for meals and homework help. He had to take over grocery and clothes shopping. He did everything for these kids and so much more.

Thank God for my husband. I definitely failed as a wife. It's a good thing he's impervious to my insanity and managed to put up with me for months and months and months of me not getting better. Frankly, I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd smothered me in my sleep, just so he didn't have to wake up one more day to the sound of my retching.

I failed as a friend. I couldn't keep up. They stopped calling. And while I got angry because "Where's mah support?" was running through my head, I totally can't blame them. Nobody wants to be around a person who looks and feels like shit. Now I don't know how to make amends and the guilt constantly haunts me.

I failed as a blogger. This blog has always been my cheap form of therapy, because Lord knows I'd much rather spend the money on a new purse. In the 8 years that I've been on the intarwebz, I've made some really, really good friends. I'd like to think that they will understand my absence and welcome me back.

In the past two months, my symptoms have abated somewhat. I still throw up 3-4 times a week. I still struggle with eating a whole meal. I still have to force myself to eat. But it's better. Better to the point where I can shower regularly. I can go out and not have to worry where the nearest bathroom is. I can focus on work. I can focus on my family. I can focus on being *me* again, instead of a sick person.

About 7 months ago I met some people on Twitter. They were fun. They were kind. They made me laugh when I desperately needed some laughter in my life. As the months rolled by, these women became good friends. We talk on the phone. We celebrate birthdays and the holidays. I'd like to think that these women saved me from a very deep and very dark abyss of which I was slipping into. (Shut up, I know it's a preposition.) Every day hundreds of emails zip into my inbox as we discuss our daily lives, our injustices and our grievances. (Of which there are many.) Their constant contact has built me up and gotten my head cleared. I know feel that I can plan things in the future and be confident that I can follow through with these plans.

Next week I am getting in the car and driving to Detroit to visit one of these "internet" friends. I am hoping she is not disappointed after meeting me. I know that I won't be disappointed in myself. Because I am finally taking back my life. It may not be perfect, but it's my life and I want to live it. (Yes, I totally stole that Jon and Kate Plus Eight, fuck off.)

So there's your update My Dear Internets. I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to telling you. Now to resume some interesting blog posts and quit being so fucking maudlin.

Love,
Kimber