This is All I Know about Oklahoma

When I was growing up in Reno,  my mom had a friend I'll call Carol, because that was her name. She and her husband Mitch had moved to Reno from Oklahoma and Carol worked with mom at place called Ever-Ready French Fry company. They were in the purchasing dept. (No, I am not making this shit up or nor am I high.) Anyway, Carol had two sons, Bobby and Jimmy who were right around my age and I spent many a day at their house, watching Dukes of Hazard, Zoom and Schoolhouse Rock while my mom was getting her freak on with the various weird men that she dated. 

Bobby and Jimmy used to call me Bones because Jimmy was skinny and Bobby was, how can I say this nicely? Fat, he was fat. Anyway, when I was over there, we'd watch TV and play monopoly and all sorts of other gay board games and we'd also play outside in a game we'd call WORMS!. I'd go around the side of the house, Bobby would go in the backyard and Jimmy would stay in the front and we'd all dig up as many worms as we could and then bring them together at the back door and put them in a hole in hopes that the backyard worms would mate with the side of the house worms and the front yard worms and then they would become a giant super worm. Or at least that's what Bobby wanted them to do. I think he just wanted to eventually find a SUPER SIZED WORM so he could eat it.

There was this one time when I was sitting on the lower bunk bed reading a book and Bobby got on his bed, which was over the one I was sitting on and the bed collapsed right onto me and Jimmy was screaming that he couldn't lift the bed and Bobby was all "My bed! My bed!" and I was like "Get BOBBY OFF THE BED YOU MORONS!" and then Carol finally got in their room and rescued me. That was a fun day, because nothing says common sense like PUTTING THE FAT KID ON THE TOP BUNK.

One day, Mike decided to leave his family so he moved back to Oklahoma leaving a newly divorced Carol to survive all by herself. I then found myself over at Bobby and Jimmy's house a whole bunch more, especially when news got back to Reno that Mike had hooked up with an old high school flame, who just happened to be missing her two front teeth and gotten remarried. Suddenly every Friday night, I'd be over at Carol's house while my mom and Carol sat around drinking white zinfandel and extolling the many fine virtues of the toothless wonder.

One of the drags about being over there so much was that I sometimes had to eat dinner there and she always had peas as a side dish and I hate me some peas. And Carol would never let me have dessert unless I ate everything on my plate. Luckily for me, Bobby always sat next to, and like Mikey, Bobby ate everything, including my peas.

As we got into middle school, we didn't see them too much and then one day Carol announced that the boys were going to live with their father in Oklahoma. Invariably, they'd come home for summer vacation and I'd have to go over and see them. Jimmy had started skateboarding and painting his nails black and Bobby was into the ROTC and still fat. Eventually, all I had to endure was news via my mom that the boys had graduated and one went into the Navy and the other into the Army.

Last news I heard was that Jimmy now lives in Virginia with his punk rock wife who Carol despises and who I really should visit one of these years when we drive down to Florida. I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT, MOM. Bobby was married, but his wife left him, but he is finally not fat, so bully for him. He still resides in Oklahoma.

Moral of this story: There are people who live in Oklahoma that have no teeth and their children will most likely be fat, join the military and end up like Carol did. She married a new man named Frank and guess what? He doesn't have any front teeth.

Comments

[TalTalK]

This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest (and completely random) posts I have ever read.

Thanks!!!

[pprlisa]

OMG Kimber - every time you write a blog post i love you just a tiny bit more :)(shouldnt that make you blog more?)

[Jason Sieckmann]

You know what, I FOUND that goddamned super worm at my HOUSE one day.

It was in the yard, right before it was about to rain; and I shit you not, it was thicker than three of my kid fingers put together (I was like 9) and it was EXTREMELY strong.

Definitely a mutant earth worm.

[Heather]

Here is another thing you know about Oklahoma, I will be there next week. Alberta to Oklahoma. I love me some Oklahoma.