I have written this a hundred times in my head, but not once has it sounded like I wasn't the ass-iest person on the planet, so I'm going to try and get this out as succinctly and quickly as I can.
I've been lying to you. Well, technically NOT lying outright, but I have been AVOIDING THE TRUTH and SKIRTING AROUND THE ISSUE, so yeah, I guess lying covers it.
For the past month or so, since I announced my stomach troubles, I have been trying to act like everything is FINE and that all is NORMAL at the Casa de la KImber, when in fact, they are not.
Things are far from fine. Things are shit. Really, really shit. I have lost more weight, have been coughing/gagging/miserable even more and the doctor(s) still don't know what is going on. Am I a total nutbar? Maybe, my dear internets, maybe.
I have never been so down (DOWN, says mah brain? You call THIS DOWN? This is borderline CRAZY, you bitch!) During my whole life, I've always been a glass half-full kind of person. I try to be independent and as strong as Susan Powter, but tonight? Tonight, I just give up.
I haven't wanted to share with y'all about how crap I feel because honestly? Sometimes pretending is good. I've been keeping all this shit to myself because who wants to read sad shit from a nerd like me? NOBODY. I've tried so hard to keep thinking that it's all going to get bettah (and soon!) and for a while it worked.
But truth be told, (hate that phrase) I've noticed some cracks in my sunny veneer. I've been working TOO much. I love my work, but taking on too many projects is OBVS a recipe for disaster. I've been avoiding my real life friends because I don't think I can handle their sympathy. I've been spending way too much online because no one can see me try and gag down my breakfast. I am so sad that a lot of people think I'm shallow and somewhat of a dimwit because I'm always looking for a laugh, but honestly? The funny is what gets me through my weeks.
I have wonderful people here. People who worry too much and try and help me every day. I don't know why I need to pretend that my health is perfect. I guess I just don't want anybody to feel sorry for me. Or think less of me for having this weakness.
But now? I really need a hand to hold. I need somebody to say that it's okay to be a little bit nuts. And it's all going to work out okay. Because unfortunately, I don't have a mother hen nearby to cluck over me.
God, this is depressing the fuck out of me.
And tomorrow? I'll go back to be Krazy Kimber, who talks inappropriately about her poor boobs.
Because honestly? What choice do I have?
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