I Tried, but I Lied

Dear Interwebs,

I have written this a hundred times in my head, but not once has it sounded like I wasn't the ass-iest person on the planet, so I'm going to try and get this out as succinctly and quickly as I can.

I've been lying to you. Well, technically NOT lying outright, but I have been AVOIDING THE TRUTH and SKIRTING AROUND THE ISSUE, so yeah, I guess lying covers it.

For the past month or so, since I announced my stomach troubles, I have been trying to act like everything is FINE and that all is NORMAL at the Casa de la KImber, when in fact, they are not. 

Things are far from fine. Things are shit. Really, really shit. I have lost more weight, have been coughing/gagging/miserable even more and the doctor(s) still don't know what is going on. Am I a total nutbar? Maybe, my dear internets, maybe.

I have never been so down (DOWN, says mah brain? You call THIS DOWN? This is borderline CRAZY, you bitch!) During my whole life, I've always been a glass half-full kind of person. I try to be independent and as strong as Susan Powter, but tonight? Tonight, I just give up.

I haven't wanted to share with y'all about how crap I feel because honestly? Sometimes pretending is good. I've been keeping all this shit to myself because who wants to read sad shit from a nerd like me? NOBODY. I've tried so hard to keep thinking that it's all going to get bettah (and soon!) and for a while it worked.

But truth be told, (hate that phrase) I've noticed some cracks in my sunny veneer. I've been working TOO much. I love my work, but taking on too many projects is OBVS a recipe for disaster. I've been avoiding my real life friends because I don't think I can handle their sympathy. I've been spending way too much online because no one can see me try and gag down my breakfast. I am so sad that a lot of people think I'm shallow and somewhat of a dimwit because I'm always looking for a laugh, but honestly? The funny is what gets me through my weeks.

I have wonderful people here. People who worry too much and try and help me every day. I don't know why I need to pretend that my health is perfect. I guess I just don't want anybody to feel sorry for me. Or think less of me for having this weakness.

But now? I really need a hand to hold. I need somebody to say that it's okay to be a little bit nuts. And it's all going to work out okay. Because unfortunately, I don't have a mother hen nearby to cluck over me.

God, this is depressing the fuck out of me.

And tomorrow? I'll go back to be Krazy Kimber, who talks inappropriately about her poor boobs.

Because honestly? What choice do I have?

Comments

[YatPundit]

*holds out hand*

*give you hug*

you vent all you want, hun, it's good for you.

[Lisa Molson]

Kimber, my heart is just breaking for you. I didn't know you were feeling so lousy. Do the doctors think your condition is stress related? If so, could you possibly lighten your work load. Big hugs. Again, I am so sorry. Wish there was something I could do to ease your pain:-(

[Lisa Molson]

Kimber, my heart is just breaking for you. I didn't know you were feeling so lousy. Do the doctors think your condition is stress related? If so, could you possibly lighten your work load. Big hugs. Again, I am so sorry. Wish there was something I could do to ease your pain:-(

[mediaChick]

I don't know why, in this day and age, it is so damned difficult to evict one pesky tapeworm. WTF?

Hang in there FabGirl! =)

[Lisa Molson]

Kimber, my heart is just breaking for you. I didn't know you were feeling so lousy. Do the doctors think your condition is stress related? If so, could you possibly lighten your work load. Big hugs. Again, I am so sorry. Wish there was something I could do to ease your pain:-(

[Marcy Massura-The Glamorous Life]

Oh Sista...we have all been there. Maybe not for medical reasons, but we all have been terribly down before and we still smile. Why? because we don't want to let the others around us down. They expect funny/happy/silly girl- and you don't want to give them pathetic/sad/boring girl. I used to have the motto "fake it till you feel it"...meaning to smile and act happy even if I didn't. But as I age...I am realizing that can do me a lot of harm. Yup it is okay to feel like this. You are SICK and TIRED of being SICK and TIRED. You are feed up. You have had it! You will be well again....beleive it. Hang on. and keep writting your feelings...it can only help. (here is where I insert a lame 'internet HUGS' or something right?) :)

[Adrienne]

There are many hands, and many shoulders, you will always be supported. It's ok to be a little nuts sometimes, hell it's ok to be ALOT nutzo sometimes. You will get through it and there will be margaritas on the other end.

[Allison]

That sucks honey.

I am interested in both yur mammary & intestinal health. Do share!

Sending you love.

[Jessica (aka Rose)]

Oh Kimber, it is SO OK to be crazy and try to rely on the funny. But it's also way OK to just be sad that doctors aren't figuring out what's going on. It must be horribly frustrating to have them shrug and say they just don't know.
I'm so very sorry you feel so crummy. There's nothing worse than feeling sick to your stomach all the time.
I'm crossing my fingers that someone figures it all out soon. In the meantime I'm sending you great big hugs, and, as my 3yr old would say "a pat and a kiss to make it better."

[pprlisa]

Kimber - this is killing me to read. I would love to talk to you. I've now sent you my number in every imaginable way, so I am now trying this way. 313.399.0892 I am available night and day and will keep hounding you til you call me. I really think you are great and I would love to help you through this

[Dr.Cason]

Celiac? UC? Crohns? IBD? Cx?

I'm trusting you've had the work-up. I don't know because I just recently discovered you.

I'll scour your site. :) I wish you well and prayers.

[holli]

I don't know exactly what is going on health-wise, but I do know about hiding behind the internet when you're falling apart in the real world health-wise and emotionally. It's really, really hard - especially when you don't have the people you need right there in person to help you get back on your feet. I know I'm just another person out there floating in space, but I could be someone who has a different perspective, or understands things on a different level.. I'm here - and you don't have to be silly for me when you don't feel like it. Just get yourself better.

xo

[Paqueen]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like crap and I'm sorry I haven't been there for you either. Kimber, you will be OK! Have you tried taking an anti-anxiety med -- can take the edge off the stress and worry.

I really am sorry you feel so bad and I wish I could do/say something to make you feel better.

[Suzy]

Honey Lamby Pie, I tried that happy crap myself and just recently admitted to the interwebbers that I'm addicted to these Vicodins, have been in rehab before and am now getting off the drugs. I do't mind telling you that it was not an easy thing to do because I'm a fucking standup comic for god's sake, people EXPECT, no DEMAND that I dance for the man all the time. So I feel ya.

Reach out and we're all here for you, some of us more stoned than others, but we're here. The guy downstairs had all your systems, lost a ton of weight etc and it turned out to be a big ulcer. He was directing his first feature film and it nearly killed him.

I have no mother hens around me either so I know what it feels like. Just spit it all out, unless of course you have a Vicodin in your mouth, you're gonna wanna swallow that first.

[Lady with 6 girls]

Awww- I had belly issues a while back- it sucks. The thing that cured me was fresh veggie juice each day. No food- just juice all day. I was bad- couldn't get out of bed without passing out. After 2 weeks I had so much energy I was running laps around my house in the snow. Good luck to you. Try juice... Juiceman Junior is $50 at Target

[Wendy]

Kimber - so sorry to hear about your health and about being down. I understand keeping up happy appearances, but am glad you got all of your feelings out on the table too. You've got a lot of fans and a lot of love because of your wit and friendliness. Don't forget to take care of *you* while you're entertaining the masses though. I hope you get some medical diagnosis and can move forward on feeling better. As some have mentioned, any chance this is stress related? We all want you to feel better darlin'!

[jen]

Be Crazy, Kimber, embrace it! AND, make those damn doctors figure out what is going on with you because it IS all going to be ok. It just is. In the meantime, take care of yourself (and try not to kill any cartoon characters in the meantime - although I was with you yesterday about Dora and the boat).

[Alice]

Honey Pie - you just vent when you need. How much freedom do you have with finding specialists up there in Canada? I know the healthcare is a bit different. Hope they find the stomach culprit. Peace!

[lceel]

I'm kinda the new guy in town, here. I haven't been reading you very long at all. But, all of that said, I like you, and your attitude and your openness. It's distressing to think that your not well. Not as bad for me as it is for you, I'm sure. But distressing nonetheless. And, like everyone else, I wish there was something I could do to make you better. And there ain't. At least, not physically.

What I CAN do is tell you that it's okay to go a bit crazy here. If you don't find a way to vent and to let off some of the 'pressure' building up inside you, then what you're dealing with may really drive you crazy. And that's not what you want. And not what we, your readers, want.

Now, I haven't read any of your stuff about your 'poor boobs'. Obviously, I've been missing something. Because I love women and I love the fact that God gave women two REALLY great parts - and one of them is boobs. So I'm gonna hafta do some backtracking here and go through some archives to 'catch up'.

Meanwhile, if there's ever anything you might want to unload on someone, or you just want to talk, you can always reach me at my email on gmail. it's lou.lohman@ . If you want, I'll even send you my cell number - should you want 'real' conversation. I'll do anything I can within reason. All you need do is ask.

[Heather]

I'm sorry you are not doing well. I wish I could give you hugs in person. Please take care of yourself. I hope you get the answers you need to feel well again soon.

[C-Rah]

Holding it all in is definitely NOT the way to go. Poor thing. Invest in all your friends that you have at your disposal, because at times like these, as smucky as it sounds, you really need them.

[Frank Martin]

Kimber, dear, you are in my prayers and hopes for a speedy recovery from what ails you. As much as we can love a virtual stranger on the Internet, your tweeps love you, your smile, your wit, your strength, your courage and your resolute persistence to overcome this thing.

We don't chat, but I pull your page up frequently and read, because I know it will make me smile. Thank you for being my friend, and please keep me posted on how you are doing.

Huggz,

Frank

[safak Sicimoglu]

What a nightmare you have been through & the CHA is also a huge headache, I know this will all pass I promise, Big Hugz from Istanbul...

[SaFak Sicimoglu]

So, so glad for this update. YOU WILL get better. I’m convinced!

Hang in there chica!

Love. Hugs. Prayers.

All the way from IsTanBul...

[that girl]

oh, honey! I had no idea! your tweets are so happy. I raise my hand as someone who does want to hear your sad shit! Pile it on!

Hugs, new friend.