It's Friday and I'm in Love

Huzzah, another week gone and now it's a long weekend because Canada is gay and has something called the May 2-4 weekend (Look it up, it's got something to do with beer. You know Canadians and their beer.) or as some like to call it Victoria Day. (All hail England!)

Have I mentioned that I've been OD'ing on macadamia nuts as of late? (NUTS!) No? Well, I may have to take up the ancient art of hooking to keep my addiction in check. Have been popping these babies like Elvis took Valiums. NOMNOMNOMNOM.

Which brings me to a deep thought, (by Jack Handey) I've been having issues lately with eating. NO. It's not the snarfing down of 56799 calorie macadamia nuts, it's something more. I have no way to explain it, so I'll just tell you what I told my doctor: Most food, right now, has been grossing me out. So much so, that I can't even eat more than a few bites. And if I do eat something that involves chewing for longer than 15 seconds, I get sick to my stomach. It's the weirdest fucking thing, because OBVIOUSLY, I loves me some food. I love cooking it, reading about it and shopping for it. (Toilet paper on the other hand I could totally not care about.)

Anyway, in the past few weeks, I've lost over 23 lbs. because this food thing is not going away. And while the stupid teenager part of me (Squee! Am skinneeee!) is fine with all this shit, the logical part of my brain is saying HELLO! STUPID! WHAT IS GOING ON?

So, am going to get tested. To see where this where gag reflex/food aversion/retardedness is going. I keep thinking maybe it's from stress. I've got all these dumb lovely kids, a husband with two businesses, and my own career. But then I get all panicky because isn't an upset stomach a sign of bad thing/even more bad thing/even worst bad thing? As a health writer, I get waaay too much bad information sent my way.

That being said, I am in good spirits! (C'mon! Help a girl out here!) Have noticed that my favorite famous internet girlfriend has written about me on her blog. And if you don't believe her, a real actress and comedian extraordinaire, you probably don't believe in Santa, either, you ass. (It's too bad she won't let me be her stalker, because I'd totally buy her pretty stuff and brush her hair and maybe fold her laundry if I wasn't high.)

As a total aside...AGAIN. Last night we went to my husband's 98 (I've been saying she's 97 and she finally told me last night she's 98! NINETY EIGHT!) year old grandmother's for dinner. She's a totally kick-ass kind of lady, as she still lives alone in her little 2 bedroom apt., makes homemade strawberry & raspberry jam throughout the year, and makes some AWESOME blueberry muffins.) Anyway, after dinner, I brought the baby home and the husband and the two older kids stayed over at her place. Cue this morning: 4:45 am. baby wakes up to nurse for the 42 seconds it takes her to go back to bed. I spot a light coming from downstairs. I sit up. Light goes off. Two seconds later, light goes on again. I stand up and grab phone. Creep toward door. Light goes off again. WTF? I push 9 on phone. I walk to hallway. Light flickers. I push 1. I reach steps. Just as I'm about to hit 1 AGAIN, husband rounds corner. AGGGGH! Have coronary and die. No, I throw phone at husband. WHAT is he doing home? Well, he couldn't sleep at Grandmother's, so he came home to scare the shit out of his wife. Go back to bed all shaky and pale.

Husband:I was wondering what that beeping was! Heh. Can't believe you were going to call 9-1-1 on me...

Me: FUCK OFF. I was trying to save self and babeh from being raped and pillaged. You are so not talking to me right now.

Husband: So?

Husband: What do you want to talk about?

And with that...I go to bed, my pets. MWAH. (And does anyone else heart the Cure like I do? No? Is just me?)

Comments

[Alice]

I'd feel all sorry about your food illness except that I hate you now. Let me know when you find out what that's all about so I can try to get it. Tape worms don't taste bad, right?

[jen]

Ok, will stop making fun of your ham / poultry / all food issues now. But Alice has a point. Let us know what you find out.

[Karly]

A girl I used to work with had something similar with food going on. She would gag just from smelling food and lost a ton of weight. She's dead now. OH, I AM SO KIDDING AND THAT WAS JUST THE MEANEST THING I'VE EVER DONE, I'M SORRY. She is fine. I can't remember what it was, but they did a bunch of tests and gave her some kind of medicine and POOF! CURED! I'm pretty sure that it was contagious because I asked if I could play with her poo since that was one of the ways it was spread and I wanted to lose weight. She wouldn't let me though. She wasn't very good at sharing.

[Suzy]

If you're going to stalk me, you're going to have to get in line behind Denise, who is my main stalker. She sends me NOTHING. If you need more hints than that, you're hopeless.

This morning I had an icecream sandwich and a Diet Coke. My diagnosis is that you're eating too healthily. I'm not sure that's a word. But lay off the vegetables, that ought to do it.

[Shamelessly Sassy]

"FUCK OFF. I was trying to save self and babeh from being raped and pillaged. You are so not talking to me right now." After that sentence, I am convinced we are kindred spirits. For serious. haha. :)

[Nicole]

I seriously laughed out loud when you threw the phone. You need to come live by me. We'd have fun. Also, I hope your food thing gets better, even though I hate your skinny self :P

[Me]

Alice, I will totally share my tapeworm with you. I'll dress it up in a little bonnet and let him swim in your martini.

Jen, I expected more from you. Also? Tapeworm for you too!

Karly, playing with poo is something we don't talk about on the internet. Unless you are on eHarmony. Then it's perfectly acceptable.

Suzy, if I lay off the vegetables, I'll be eating nuts for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I tried sending you a pie (with a surprise inside!) but the stoner downstairs ate it when he went to get your mail. Right now I hope he's enjoying the magic Bullet rolling around in his stomach.

Sassy, of course we are kindred spirits! We both have husbands who do inappropriate things in public.

RanNic, I'm looking into that house across the street with the pool. We could make fun of people all day (Granola Mom!) and you could come over and help me organize my socks.

[Disneygal]

Hope you find out what is going on before you have to give the tapeworm a name. Pretty strange. Going back a post, LOVED the list of crappy gifts! I laughed out loud on several of them.

[lceel]

I've read all the comments. ALL the comments. This, THIS is a wacky group. The father in me wants to say "Sassy, you go home this instant!" but actually, I'd just say "make sure you play nice." But Karly .. Karly .. Karly. For one thing, you don't ask. Once the poo is pooped it's fair game and whoever wants it can have it. It's just getting to it that can be .... unsavory and may require trespassing. And I think it's rather nice and romantic that Husband couldn't sleep elsewhere ... on the other hand, he may have just been horny. Who knows?

[Me]

DisneyGal, good to see you! Glad you liked my crappy list of gifts.

Lou-C-EL, wow you're made of some pretty stern stuff to make it through these comments! Husband is still in trouble over that middle of the night scare!

[AMomTwoBoys]

You are so cute! That food thing is weird. Very weird.

Welcome to AllMediocre!

[Heather Cook]

Duuude.

2-4

It's called two'fer.

24 cans of beer is a two'fer. Much beer is drunk (well the drinkers are drunk, the beer is drank) over the May 2-4 weekend.