Too Fabulous for Words

And There Will Be No American Idol Tonight

BAH. Has gotten too boring. Neil Diamond night? OY! Started to re-cap and then deleted it, because whole show was crap.

As for day, lost my whole back-up files for Documents, which is LIKE MAH LIFE, and then was able to find it and resume normal business activities. Was muy stressful. Am still all shaky and muttering to myself about it. (P.S. Have I mentioned I owe $2900 in taxes? GAH, GAH, GAH.)

Toddlers favorite new word? EAT. (and then we point to mouth, in case we didn't get the word EAT.) Am running to kitchen 374 times a day for little skinny-minny baby.

Also? She has determined if she invents a boo-boo, she can get ice and many kisses for her efforts. HMMMM. Am raising a hypochondriac. Sounds like the husband has had an influence.

Sorry, but the girls kick ASS on Hell's Kitchen. I do love me some Gordon Ramsay. That man can swear. Like a mutha ucka.

Baby is lying on floor with cheek stuck to book. Am thinking she should go to bed. Or perhaps WE should.

Un-Deep Thoughts

Gah. Have been so busy. Lots of to'ing and fro'ing and such. Is really making me very sleepy.

I received my income taxes back from accountant today. I owe $2900+. Which is like really crappy. Screw off freelancing.

Have been craving pickles lately (AMNOTPREGNANT.SHUTUP) but the instant I have one I regret it.

My pedicure is still holding fast. The mani on the other hand (HEH) is looking pretty shabby.

Am sitting here watching Friends, which is lame, but am too lazy to get up and find remote. Oh, wait now Everybody Loves Raymond is on. Excellent.

Am in dire need of some new clothes, but have no time to go to mall, because a) am busy and b) am still busy.

I've noticed that my m-i-l calls waaaaay too often. Should I just not answer? No, can't do that because SHE CALLS BACK.

Husband is out buying me dinner somewhere as I have headache size of Mexico and CAN'T COPE with dinner making activities. Children are at in-laws because apparently am too boring or some such nonsense.

Also? Husband hasn't called back to say what dining possibilities are. Hmmph.

Baby is having power nap. Has been down since 5:30. Who wants to wager bet that she'll wake up at 10 and be up until 4 am? UGH.

Am loving new haircut. Is much shorter and hairstylist assured me is new "it" do at all the HAIR conferences. Wondering if I should believe her.

ANNND, it's Monday. Am thinking this is reason for general malaise and discontent. Perhaps Tuesday will be better?

P.S. I need Emily, Safak and Miss JenW to email me your snail mails. (That is if you want me to send you something start stalking you. I promise not to share with the internets nor telemarketers. And I totally won't make fun of you, unless you live on Crazy Beaver Road.

URG-AGH-HATE INTERWEBS

Have had most ghastly day. Woke up to internets not working. Stupid ISP wouldn't even work for main computer. 5 hours later, plus new router, plus many hours of tech support equals one crabby Kimber? Am now trying to get Windows XP on network. Have wasted whole day. Am disgusted.

Did make self scrummy chicken with a spinach garlic cream sauce. Yummy.

Am now watching America's Next Top Model, cycle uhm, 5? 6? Whatevs, MTV.

Anyway, am waaaay too peeved to do proper post, so let's just call it a night.

And Now a Word from Our Sponsor*...

I had a chat tonight with a woman who is almost 70. She grew up in a horse-loving household, and yet her father discouraged her to not learn to ride a horse. I told her how inspired I was to hear that she had self-taught herself in the past few years to ride and that I thought she was bringing seventy, sexy back.

And that made me think. Really think (When you gotta problem, think, think, think!) about how I've been in a rut the past year or so and not the old fun ME. WARNING: Boring, introspective tripe ahead.

So here are a few things that I've resolved (I KNOW! Resolutions are for NEW YEAR'S EVE ONLY. But fuck that. It's mah life. I can resolve all my mis-uses of the word later.)

1. I'm giving up white flour and sugar, again. I know, I KNOW. I got pregnant and went on that whole grits bender and then it was Wonder bread and then onto sweet, sweet crack. Anyway, am off it. (And feel 134% better. Already.)

2. I'm going easy on the meat. I'm sure quite a few people can testify to this, in the past few days, that I've been suddenly grossed out by tendons and veiny bits and the things that make them resemble WHAT they used to be. I love me some beef, but I'm one PETA video away from going vegan on your ass.

3. Have quit fast food for the whole family. (Oh, and also chain restaurants.) After reading WHAT I've read and eating what I've eaten, I've determined that fast food sucks. (Amen) And chains? It's like fast food, but it's MICROWAVED. (Hello, Applebee's?) And I LOVE, LOVE, LOOOOVE going out to eat. (Because any night I don't have to cook is a night when the husband gets a blow job.) But alas, I think we need to eat more at home and if we eat out, we shall pick restaurants that focus on local produce/cuisine, no matter what town we happen to be staying. (Did I tell you about my yellow turkey dinner I ordered last summer up near the cottage? NO? Oh, be glad. I'll save that one for another day.)

4. I'm going to try and PUT myself out there more. Make sense? No? For years, I've always been very complacent to just be pleasant and nice while dealing with the public/journalists/locals/waylaid family members and not really making any new friendships or businessy folks. I now feel the need to try and round up some folks who get me. Understand me. And perhaps (choke!) complete me. I don't expect to get through this life alone, and I would like to do it with a hella' good crowd behind/next to me.

5. I want to laugh more. I know, I know. My husband is funny. My kids are funny. But I want more funny in my life. I've added waaaaay more peeps to my bookmarks lately, so expect some changes there soon. I won't be deleting anyone off my blogroll (unless they no longer exist) because if you add me, I'll add you. But I'll also be adding the people who make every day a little bit more fun.

6. And finally... I'll be blogging more. I can't tell you how much it has helped me artistically to blog the past 24 days (!) and how it's been great for mah brain. As for my Twitter peeps, thanks for letting me bombard you with non-sensical Play House Disney Porn. (And you foreign people-thanks for just following!) You all have made my working mornings, uhm, (smooshee hug) complete.

Feel free to go gag now.

And now, I'm going to bed, y'all. I gotta let these wrinkles dissipate somehow.

*Ex-Lax, where you never run out of shit to say.

Mah Life (in a Nutshell)

Oy.

American Idol Live-ish

Oh, God, Ryan is trying on a Alex Trebek intro. Not working for me.

Tonight is (YAWWWN) Earth day, and the top six are going out of their (gag) comfort zones. And it's (Lord) Andrew Lloyd Weber night! Shall make for some interesting shit, if I do say so myself.

And out they come, paraded like the soon to be condemned.

Hmm, me thinks ALW has had some "work" done. Quite the remarkable forehead.

OOH, Paula is looking half-baked already and no one has started singing.

1st up: Syesha is singin One Rock & Roll Too Many. Love her. She rocks, Simon, Suck it. Randy: Best performance to date. Paula: You're real good at it. Brought down the House. Simon: Very sexy. One of your strongest performances so far. Loved her personality.

2nd: Mah Boyfren Jason: Hmm, what's he gonna pull off tonight? Ukulele? Harpsichord? Electric violin? We shall see. ALW amazed by Jason's dreads. Oh, Jason, haven't you seen Cats? HIM: Kind of a popular song. UHM-YEAH. Oh, dear, I think we have a problem, tonight. Especially with the white pants. Randy: Uhm, wow, little bit of a trainwreck. Not your thing dude. Paula: A very wise choice. (??) Sounds like a pop ballad. Blah, bla, you are so beeyoutiful. Simon: It came over as you were being forced to sing it at a wedding.

3rd: Brooke White: ALW holds her hand! Whoot! OMFG, she totally lost it. Had to restart. BUMMER.Kind of a big song for her. Not my favorite song, but still love her. Randy: Check it out, wasn't great. At least you listened to ALW. Paula: 5 seconds of silence, then You must never start and stop. You didn't overact. Simon: This is why I love live TV. Became quite uncomfortable. You'll be very disappointed when you watch this back. And then a whole lotta blah, blah, blah.

4th: David Diminutive Archuleta: (What is up with the gaggle of 8 year olds they let loose on stage?) Holy fuck ALW's forehead is freaking me out. I think this might be the Wonder Sprite's Night. (If he can keep his eyes open.) Oops, I may have just fallen asleep. Oh, man the squeezy eyes are getting to me. Randy: Yo, check it out, you can sing anything. It was the bomb. Paula: I think it was absolutely perfect. Simon: I thought it was pleasant. One of your weakest performances. All forgettable for me, SORRREEE.

5th: Carly Smithson: Singing JEEESUS CHRIST, SupaStar! P.S. ALW=Short! P.P.S. The forehead is killing me, ALW! Boy, her stylists are really ramming home the she's-not-preggo thing, aren't they? Big song meets bigger voice. Amen. OHMAGOD. Her HUSBAND. MAH EYES. Randy: I don't know if it was best performance, but it was good. Loved your what you are wearing. Paula: Loved what you did in chorus. Simon: Ackshully one of my fave performances of the night.

6th: David Lee (ha!) Cook: ALW just suggested he sing it to a gorgy 17 year old. UHM, Hello, pervs, he's 25!.
Well, he's singing a popular tune, but does it warrant all the Screamy McScreams from the audience? Answer: NO. If I woke up and he was singing this in my bedroom I'd jump out my window. The MOOOZIC of the NIGGGGGHHHTT! Randy: Alright, so, That was an amazing vocal performance. Paula: You are so well rounded and you have a beautiful INSTRUMENT. Simon: You made the most of the song.

Me: Bottom 2- (Mah opinion) David Cook and mebbe mah girl Brooke.

Now I'm off to watch Hell's Kitchen. Where Gordon swears more than moi. Amazing.

Editing tto come later. Am way too hungry to del with it.

(cough) Am Sick (cough)

Oh, hai!
Did you believe that? (coooouuugh) Because neither did I. Am just totally uninspired. Have a shitload of work to be written this week, as well as girlfriends breathing down mah back because WE MUST GO OUT. Oh, and then there's the whole, "Let's clean the house because it is spring!" thing. And let's not forget the baby and her COUGH which shakes the foundation.

Am going to get new hairdo tomorrow. Mebbe a perm and color? Mebbe NOT? Any suggestions, interwebs? (If you say perm I shall smack you.)

The mothership STILL hasn't called. Am beginning to think she has found new offspring, because I AM AN ONLY CHILD. (Albeit not spoiled. OH.SHUT.UP, HUSBAND. OK, MAYBE A BIT. BUT I DESERVE IT AS I'M LONELY.)

Anyway, that's all I have tonight. I could write about non-existent illnesses I have or how I keep keep getting sent free diamonds in the mail. But I won't. Instead:

Scene: In-Laws house (right before I ATE the PORKCHOP! that invaded my brain)
At table- Alvez(Anemia Boy) and Me...
Me: So, I think you've been feeling better...
Him: yeah
Me: So THAT'S a good thing.
Him: yeah...What's this on my lip?
Me: (EWWEWW, GRODT, EWW), Uhm, where?
Him: On the corner!
Me: [squinting] OOH, look like HERPES!
Him: WHAT???????
Me: Yep
Him: On his iPod Touch: Nah-UHHH
Me: toodley-doo-doodah
Him: OMG! Are you serious??? (thx WebMD!!)
Me: Don't even think of kissing me...(moving chair away)
Him: GahGooGahAbrevaGahtiddlyDooDah
Me: Uhm, ok.
Him: And all this time I've been telling my friends I have the clap.
Me: ....
Him???
Me: WTF? You did not say that on the internet????
Him: Why?
ME, ME, ME: UHM, because! It's an STD!!!!
Him: I thought it was short for Hepatitis.
Me: Holy Fuck.
Him: Mawhm, stop swearing. Ooh, I think I have a pimple, too.

If my family finds out that mah son has been touting a non-existent STD, I may have to move to Jupiter. OMG, when will he/we learn?

And to Think We Let Him Watch Our Kids (to this day*)

* Although after last night's pork chop debacle, this may change.

A year or so after we bought this house, I found a kitteh at the shelter, whom I knew was destined to belong to us. So I forked over $70 to adopt a Himalayan kitteh, who we named Lavender.(and so begins the tragic tale of THE STUPIDEST CAT IN THE WORLD.) Lavender had some problems. Actually, she had many problems, which I shall list for you thusly:

1. Afraid of shadows, her sister Basil, shoes, doors, the TV, her cat dish and basically any thing on the planet that moved/breathed/sat on earth.
2. Used front door as litterbox. Had to poo? Sit by the door! Must pee? Find a shoe AT THE DOOR. This was the fucking worst thing I ever had to deal with.
3. Never learned how to groom herself. Did her cat mom sit around all day doing crack when she was a kitten? Maybe, because this cat would wander around with twigs, string, mats, and glow-sticks (yes, she ATE a glow-stick and her mouth/fur/feet were covered in it. As well as my couch, carpet and mah feet. GUESS WHAT? This did not kill her! Lightsticks, cat treats are now more fun!)
4. Would NOT move when you called her. Nor would she move out of the way for the door. She'd sit in front of the door and let herself be slid across the floor, by the damn door, because SHE'S NOT MOVING.

When she was around 3 or so, we went to DISNEYWORLD, and left the Grandad in charge. (Note: this is NOT the 1st time we'd let him take care of the house. We've left cats, birds, fish, hamsters and evil bedbugs in his care before) Anyway....

While we were away, Lavender went downstairs and died. She dies, y'all.  And so, since we were away (1500 miles) and Grandad was in charge of all things living (and apparently DEAD at our house) he took matters into his own hands. As the story goes, he packed up dear Lavender into a GROCERY bag and put her in the garbage.

Yes, the garbage.

So, he goes home, and apparently tells the m-i-l what he did to MAH KITTEH, and she screamed, "GO BACK AND BURY THEIR CAT!!!!!" (exclamations ALL hers!)

So we come home 2 weeks later and find that we are missing one stupid ass cat, but we have a story to LIVE WITH US FOR ALL TIME, AMEN. (Don't tell anyone, but when we came back, we stopped at the in-laws first, and there was much hand-wringing on their behalf, and when they tells us, and UHM, some of us (read:me) LAUGHED.

P.S. We did love that stupid ass cat, despite her many, many faults.

P.P.S. We once came home to find that we had new fish. (Apparently, he cleaned our tank and the fish up and DIED and he went to the fish store and tried to fool us with new fishies, but they were much SMALLER and MORE SWISHEY than our old fishes.

P.P.P.S. One time we came home to find a dead hamster on our upstairs steps. That's a welcome home we'll never forget.

P.P.P.S. It was one of the cats that got the hamster. Although, it definitely not Lavender. See above.

Dear Internets,

Ah-hem, can we tawlk? I am on day 19 of this bloody NaMoPoBloMo (BloMo*! HAAA!) or whatever and I've been GOOD. Better that good, so maybe you could cut me a break? And maybe, ohIdon'tknow, comment once in while?

You'd think that by now (after a whole year of really phoning it in), you all would be GRATEFUL that I finally started posting, but NO.

Anyway, TOMORROW is my 500th post day (YAY?!) and I'm going to have a giveaway for something FAB to the best commenter. So gird your loins, interwebs...

Love,
Me

P.S. I love you. Long time. You are so pretty. Can I come over and brush your hair?

* I should totally start a new group with that name, eh?

Linky Love

(UPDATE: Router took a crap last night just as I hit publish. Hate technology. Am going to try and remember what the fuck I wrote and if not, come up with some new crap.)

In the meantime, enjoy these links:

Stars! They are just like us!

Best desk for a mama writer!

Only for the Lonely (and mentally unstable)

Who Knew George Clooney was so Profound?