And to Think We Let Him Watch Our Kids (to this day*)

* Although after last night's pork chop debacle, this may change.

A year or so after we bought this house, I found a kitteh at the shelter, whom I knew was destined to belong to us. So I forked over $70 to adopt a Himalayan kitteh, who we named Lavender.(and so begins the tragic tale of THE STUPIDEST CAT IN THE WORLD.) Lavender had some problems. Actually, she had many problems, which I shall list for you thusly:

1. Afraid of shadows, her sister Basil, shoes, doors, the TV, her cat dish and basically any thing on the planet that moved/breathed/sat on earth.
2. Used front door as litterbox. Had to poo? Sit by the door! Must pee? Find a shoe AT THE DOOR. This was the fucking worst thing I ever had to deal with.
3. Never learned how to groom herself. Did her cat mom sit around all day doing crack when she was a kitten? Maybe, because this cat would wander around with twigs, string, mats, and glow-sticks (yes, she ATE a glow-stick and her mouth/fur/feet were covered in it. As well as my couch, carpet and mah feet. GUESS WHAT? This did not kill her! Lightsticks, cat treats are now more fun!)
4. Would NOT move when you called her. Nor would she move out of the way for the door. She'd sit in front of the door and let herself be slid across the floor, by the damn door, because SHE'S NOT MOVING.

When she was around 3 or so, we went to DISNEYWORLD, and left the Grandad in charge. (Note: this is NOT the 1st time we'd let him take care of the house. We've left cats, birds, fish, hamsters and evil bedbugs in his care before) Anyway....

While we were away, Lavender went downstairs and died. She dies, y'all.  And so, since we were away (1500 miles) and Grandad was in charge of all things living (and apparently DEAD at our house) he took matters into his own hands. As the story goes, he packed up dear Lavender into a GROCERY bag and put her in the garbage.

Yes, the garbage.

So, he goes home, and apparently tells the m-i-l what he did to MAH KITTEH, and she screamed, "GO BACK AND BURY THEIR CAT!!!!!" (exclamations ALL hers!)

So we come home 2 weeks later and find that we are missing one stupid ass cat, but we have a story to LIVE WITH US FOR ALL TIME, AMEN. (Don't tell anyone, but when we came back, we stopped at the in-laws first, and there was much hand-wringing on their behalf, and when they tells us, and UHM, some of us (read:me) LAUGHED.

P.S. We did love that stupid ass cat, despite her many, many faults.

P.P.S. We once came home to find that we had new fish. (Apparently, he cleaned our tank and the fish up and DIED and he went to the fish store and tried to fool us with new fishies, but they were much SMALLER and MORE SWISHEY than our old fishes.

P.P.P.S. One time we came home to find a dead hamster on our upstairs steps. That's a welcome home we'll never forget.

P.P.P.S. It was one of the cats that got the hamster. Although, it definitely not Lavender. See above.

Comments

[Jenny, Bloggess]

God. I cannot stop giggling. We had a cat like that. His name wa Max and he was so crazy he had his own room and if you moved ANYTHING in it he'd flip out and scream like he was Rainman or something. I gave him away to a girl who who said she could take better care of him. She thought she'd lost him because he disappeared for a few days but turns out he just got shut in a drawer and never made a mew. Then he got mad when she tried to get him out. He probably still lives there.

[Me]

Heehee! She's lucky the cat didn't die in there, because then she'd have to throw out whole dresser. because who wants a haunted cat dresser? Not me.

[safak Sicimoglu]

Oh my-Your Grandad sounds just like mine, the garbage...I have a dog that was like your cat, maybe a little more OCD than yours..

[Safak Sicimoglu]

I am somewhat of a night owl-I try and be in bed by 1ish-But, I an up @ 6:45 { my dogs are my alarm } as Istanbul, is opp than the States-late to work late to home...people don't start work untill 10ish..

[Faith]

Maybe Lavender's mom drank pool water? It is like the alcohol/crack for wild animals from what I am told. (You know from that horrible movie The Wild.)

[Captain Steve]

I probably would have laughed too, similar to how I can't stop laughing now.

[Kelly]

Too funny, we just had a funny cat death (in a sick and funny way) in our family too...come on by and check it out.

Any gramps who cares enough to buy more fishes ranks right up there with the best of them. Ours would likely cross his fingers that we wouldn't notice.

[lele]

ok so i am cracking up as i read this post. our cat is just like this one. her name is picca and she too is a moron. she likes to pee in beds, eat glow sticks, and hates things that normal cats enjoy. she won't drink fresh water it has to be several days old or she won;t touch it. she NEVER cleans herself, and likes to sleep in the bath tub. (How's that for irony.)But like you said, somehow I still love this dumb cat. Especially when she has one of her 'fits' and runs up and down the hall until she collapses from fatigue. She is quite entertaining.