Too Fabulous for Words

Oh, Shite

And so it starts. Tomorrow. Gah.

Expect some really lame stuff, from moi...Now, uhm, daily.

(Thanks to Jeanie for the kick-start!)

For All the Haterz - List Version

A tidy little list of the stuff I'm hating right now:

1. Apple. I woke up yesterday morning to find that my power cord was fried. AGAIN. This is the FOURTH time this has happened in the two years and 3 months that I've owned this bloody laptop. Are you telling me that the so-called best-in-class computers on the market can't make a power cord that lasts longer than 8 months? Cost: $112.39. Thanks, Bill, you bastard.
2. Billy Mays. Can this man please refrain from making any more products, please? I saw today that he's now shilling a HIGH-ENERGY SUPPLEMENT!!! that will give you all-day energy. Do I really want to buy an energy pill from a man who's frenetic enough as it is and is best known for HIGH-ENERGY cleaning products and MIGHTY!!!PUTTY!!!? No, thank you, I just want some ear plugs and a vodka, straight up.
3. The husband. He found my twitter page and decided to fill in the box which asks "What are you doing right now?" with the OHSOHILARIOUS answer, "Going poo-poo," which a) I was clearly NOT doing that and b) is not even funny, except if you are 6 and find yourself easily distracted by shiny objects, like car bumpers. Fortunately I stopped this insanity before he could hit publish.
4. This. I keep thinking she can't get any lamer and then LO! she does. Oy.
5. My stupid cold. Will not go away. Bastard.
6. My email. It keeps asking me for my password every 13 seconds. So annoying. And so pointless because all I get from this particular account is SPAM.
7. The fact that I can't watch videos online because stupid websites like MTV and TBS know I'm living in Canada and because of "copyright reasons" won't let me view them. And if you think Canada has any good shows to watch online, you'd be mistaken. Because? Really? This is the shits.

Huh. Wow. Only 7 things I'm annoyed with right now? Gee, that seems low. Now I'm annoyed that I can't think of any more annoyances.

OH! Wait! I can think of one more! I'm still being bombarded with hits from people Googling "Mr. Barky von Schnauzer" which is really annoying because WHY THE FUCK are people so obsessed with that flipping commercial? I see that it's now on YouTube.

Honestly, it boggles the mind.

Easter, Schmeaster

I've discovered that I really dislike ham. Sorry, but there it is. I'm not sure what it is, the pinky color, the grody bone in the center of it, or just the texture, but if I was on a reality show and all I could eat was ham for the next 40 days, I'd lunge for the nearest cameraman and take a bite outta him.

Anyway, so yesterday was Easter and guess what we had for dinner?

Yeah.

I survived, though. I just chased it down with many glasses of wine. It worked really well, too. By the end of the night I found myself actually packing some ham slices into foil TO BRING HOME WITH US.

This morning, I had the unpleasant sight of it when I opened the fridge. Yeeeew. Ham meet Garbage. Garbage, "NOM NOM NOM NOM!"

I bought a kickass dress for le bebe at Target and the baby looked so cute in it. But alas, I can only show assy, blurry pictures because Emmersen has decided that the camera is an evil soul-sucking device and must be avoided at all costs. She's like a mini celebutante racing away from the paparazzi every time I take out the camera. GAH.

But first, cheep!

And now let the craptastic Easter photos begin...

Here you'll find one very underenthused baby, who's all like, "What's this shit? Me no like."

And then...

"I'm ouuta here."

(She didn't even want to bother with looking for the rest of her age-appropriate gifts. But no candy because I'm mean.)

See my butt? It says go away.

Talk to the hand, lady.

And then later..."I'm wearing my dress, but I'm not looking up."

"I am very busy and important."

And finally, we get a smile.

Sheesh.

Good (Gawd, It's) Friday

Today I:

1. Did not make it to mass, even though it's a HOLYDAYOFOBLIGATION and I will now surely go to hell.

2. Mistakenly (Har!) ate a cabbage roll (filled with rice and BEEF, which is meat, y'all) and now I surely will go to hell because IT'S LENT and that means NO MEAT ON FRIDAY, dumbass.

3. Have developed a tic in right eye because I've just watched 12 consecutive episodes of America's Next Top Model, even though I've already seen them before and know who wins. Jaslene!

4. Have complained to anyone who will listen (baby, cat, TYRA! and husband via the phone) that I'm SIIIIICCCCCK.    V., v., sick. Send Nyquil.

5. Have discovered Emmersen digging around in cat dish. Once. Twice. Three fucking times.

6. Have logged onto iTunes and briefly thought about downloading music, only to discover I don't know the names of any of the songs I like because I'm smart like that.

7. Realized that I have bought not one whit of Easter-y goodness for children. Then after hyperventilating into paper bag, realized all stores are closed today. Because? See title above.

8. Ate a piece of cheese that fell on the floor. Then felt ill.

9. Tried to (unsuccessfully) upload video of the baby onto YouTube but can't because? Uh, Have no clue. Arrggh.

10. Tripped over own feet when trying to locate ringing telephone whilst simutaneously keeping eyes on TV. Then banged elbow on door frame and may have shouted loud obscenity despite the fact that the baby was nearby. Baby may then have repeated bad word and I may have laughed. But it doesn't really matter. (See #1 & #2)

And since we all like to see cute stuff, I present this:

Just kickin' back, maxin' and relaxin.

This was right before Mackie threw a fit because there were too many bubbles. (And yes, I know the manufacturers insructions clearly state NO BUBBLE BATH, but clearly we are a family of heathens.)

Clean babies are scrumptious. Especially when covered with melted cheese.

Happy St. Paddy's Day! (Or how my house has been filled with snot, barf, and looooong-ass hospital visits for 3 weeks straight)

Dear March,
Frankly, I've had enough of you. What with the snow (almost 3 flippin' feet! WTF? I moved to Canada not Siberia!) and the ice storms and the germs that have been inhabiting my home and family. Do you have any idea what it's like to be barfed on at 3:00 am? And then again at 3:27? HUH? HUH? And what about the ear infections, lung infection and the endless coughing, hacking and runny noses that is totally disgusting me the fuck out? What do you have to say for yourself, you quasi-fun month with a silly holiday where all the students on your street set up tables and ottomans out on their lawns and commence drinking green ale at 8:30 am in the morning?
Hey, March, you can suck it. I'm gonna go sit near the overflowing bathroom waste basket until April rolls around.