When I was just wee child, okay, maybe 8 or 9, I remember looking at my mom's bookshelf in her bedroom and wondering why all her books were so, so, sooooooo boring. There were health typey medical books, biographies of old, dead people, some Jackie Collins, and books on people who up and left their citified lives and moved to the wilderness. (Why, Mother, why?)
The one book that really fascinated my little brain was a book titled IMOK, YOUREOK. I sat and stared at the title wondering how you pronounced IMOK and what the fuck did it mean? I eventually pulled the stupid book out of the bookshelf and read the inside flap where I learned this mysterious book was a sappy self-help book designed to make ex-hippies find some purpose in their life.
I had this memory the other night while I was roasting in my own teary juices and thought, "Hey! I learned something from that! I learned that really crappy book covers are hard for 9 year olds to read!"
No. I did not. I actually thought, "Hey! I learned something then and I can CHOOSE to learn something now. I will not let sadness and what if's ruin what's left of my summer!"
And then I rolled out of my bed, fished my undies out of my bum and went and ate some grits. Because, people, if grits don't make you happy, then you are a cold, selfish beeyotch who can't see buttery goodness beyond your crappy chenille robe of self-pity.
So I'm taking my mother's advice and resuming my booozy, wine-loving ways. And I know the Dear Internet is breathing a techo-laced 64 gig sigh of relief. I mean, I was even starting to think that puffy eyes are the new botox and that, that Dear Internet, is just WRONG.
Oh! I can tell you that I haven't done ANY back-to-school shopping. Nada, zippo, nuh-uh. Okay, I may have lied a bit, I did go buy the eldest child's pants for his school uniform last week and they are off at the tailors. But other than that? NOTHING.
I KNOW! It's shocking! Me? Not shopping? Not spending money? Horrors and Heavens to Betsy!
AND THIS IS HOW I GO CUCKOO
Have I mentioned that the eldest-be-panted child has the most APPALLING taste in music? No? Well, he does. He likes Stevie Ray Vaughn, Loverboy (Has he no shame?), REO Speedwagon and every other crap rock band from the 80's. GAHGAHGAHGAHGAH. Hasn't he ever heard of Coldplay?
KATRINA AND THE WAVES
I, like most ever other person with a TV and access to CNN, have been watching a whole lot of the coverage of Hurricane Katrina. I was morely interested because I used to live in New Orleans, albeit for a short blip of time. The husband and I stayed up late Sunday night, before the hurricane made land, and watched the endless news reports about the evacuations. A little after midnight, we noticed that someone at CNN was getting a bit punchy because they had this endless loop of the SAME MATERIAL on while some big-headed lady droned on about the people getting the fuck out of town. And how it was MANDATORY. AND THEY SHOULD HURRY. BECAUSE THIS WAS ONE BIG MO'FO OF A STORM.
This went on for like 20 minutes and it involved random images of people packing their cars, driving off and the horrific traffic jams on the I-10. One little segment was of a man and his wife (presumably) who were packing their trunk with seemingly random objects from their front porch. The wife grabs this ENORMOUS tarp and the husband grabs about 16 white towels and they both attempt to exit the front gate at the same time. Albeit the husband was moving a bit faster than his wife, because that tarp? Was unweidly. So as they get to the gate they have a bit of a dance deciding who should exit first and then they both turn and try and squish through the gate, her with the biggest fucking tarp in the world and him with some towels. They get all stuck together and he turns on her and has a few words, which you can't see because his face is away from the camera. He then turns and strides through the gate, shakes his head at the camera with a rueful smile and stuffs the towels into his trunk.
The next segment of this endless loops was some lady putting her trash can away. Not quite so funny.
After watching this happen about six times, the seventh times queues up and the husband turns to me and gives me his version of what he thinks happens:
Towel guy: Damn woman! We be having a hurricane! Move yo ass!
Tarp Lady: Shut it, Earl! I'm moving as fast as I can. Now where is my bucket?
TG: You don't need no bucket, just get yo ass in the car!
TL: Wait! We should bring more towels!
TG: I'm going to get me the lawn chair, take that food outta the trunk!
BOB VILA CAN SUCK IT
We are doing some renovations around this house in order to facillitate me getting a nice new office, so that I can interface with more serene surroundings and possibly execute cutting edge solutions for my clientele. The worst part is that even though we are buying the kids all new bedroom furniture and doing painting and polishing and crap, it's the crap in their rooms that we must deal with first. UGH. We have so many toys, I have so many files and the magazines? Oh, shit I could paper 47,893 houses with the pages. This is not a time of serenity, it's a time of HELL.