Too Fabulous for Words

Mystery Solved

For over a month now, I've been getting a mysterious visitor to zee blog, and it's been driving me mad trying to figure out who it was. I know who most of y'all are (even you wacky anybrowser people), but this one was elusive. Perhaps what was most maddening is that the visitor originated from a rather well-known media corp.

Today, my investigative skills were shown up (I knew I'd never make a good Jessica Fletcher), after I spoke with an editor about an article I turned in a while ago. (Was feeling her out with a few more ideas and just a general whassup) She mentioned that she's been enjoying reading my "journal" each morning with her Starbucks. HUH?

Found out from my fashion maven source that it seems the seventies are OUT for Fall 2003. Hurrah! The big news is all that hippie wear and feathered Farrah hair has got to go! PTL! I'm glad I didn't fall down that big Glamour Don't. Am looking forward to a return to more glam. Twin-sets and kitten heels, here I come!

SNORT!

If you need a good laugh or perhaps just some insight into what goes on in a freelance writer's day, you may want to read Sarah Hepola's piece over at the Morning News. (One of my favorite hangouts) It's amazing how many people don't get that just because you work from home, you are still working. Ahem. Or at least pretending to work.

Just got off phone with my editor on a new piece she and I are working on. Am starting to feel frightened by amount of work that is going into the pre-writing portion. Am going to just try and think of the outcome (new shoes) and not turn into a big ball of stress. Yet.

Must get dressed into suitable summery outfit and finish up phone calls (I always feel more professional when dressed and on phone with doctorly types then when I'm wearing my tiki motif capri lounge pants) for the day. Have to rustle up some sort of snack foods for friends' impending arrival, so as to not look churlish when the children whine for a treat.

OOh, anyone want to admit they had embarassing stomach-type problems when they were pregnant? I could sure use your help.

Hee Haw!

Okay, first off: it's Carella's birthday and she's a fab looking 29, so let's all have a big hoo-ha for her. Hooray for Carella!

Secondly, I promised my bookish list of more fabulous faves from my trip and here they are:
Apocalipstick by Sue Margolis. (Author of Spin Cycle- HILARIOUS and sexy, babeee!)
Bare Necessity by Carole Matthews (An excellent read!)
Just Friends by Robyn Sisman (Just started but so far is good, v. good)
I also ordered today from Amazon.com (the writerly girl's best friend):

Things You Need to Be ToldThe Etiquette Grrls

More Things You Need to Be Told: A Guide to Good Taste and Proper Comportment in a Tacky, Rude World
Lesley Carlin

Kiss My Tiara: How to Rule the World As a Smartmouth Goddess
Susan Jane Gilman

Make a Name for Yourself: Eight Steps Every Woman Needs to Create a Personal Brand Strategy for Success
Robin Fisher Roffer

And then:
I must comment on the husband. He is buying moi a computer and I'm in a SUPER-dee-DUPER quandry. Should I go for a supa-charged desktop or spring for the (sexual-favor inspired) laptop which will be MUCH betta than what I have at the momento (a P3 desktop and an oldie but reliable laptop) Ackie-poo! I have no idea what to purchase, as I love the idea of a FAST laptop, but am worried I'll develop more frown lines from the 15" screen. And the husband JUST purchased me a lovely 17" flat LCD monitor for Xmas. Will it now go to waste?

Also, who is sick of J.Lo and Ben already? Like c'mon. Am waaay too tired to hear of their exploits on every bleeping mag and newsiepaper. Just get married already and have a few chillen. THEN see how perky yer butt will be, J.

Feel compelled to blab about my fav. new blog today: She's fab, she's funny, she's ALL that and a Good Burger and More. Check her out if you're in the mood for some reality bites. Heee! Here's one person who need not worry if she's funny or not.

Have friends coming tomorrow with their children for fun and sunshine escapades. Should I cleanse bathroom or just Febreze the hell out of it?

Am going back to Dell.ca and see if I can decide on computer quandry. 'Tis tough decision. May need heavy doses of wine and chocolate for this.

Summer Lovin, Havin a Blast

All is well.

At approx. 11 p.m. on Sunday night, a Mr. Hamtaro of the Hamster Family was found cowering underneath the family dining table being chased by a Ms. Basil de Ville of the Feline Family. No wounds were found on Mr. H and Ms. Basil was not brought in for questioning. Ms. Basil refused comment other than to say sniffily that it's her job to rid the House of vermin and she saw no reason why Mr. Hamtaro wasn't fair game.

Mr. Hamtaro was taken to his cage and plied with hamstery foodstuffs. He greedily ate and later said that he's thoroughly shaken and shall seek revenge against the Feline Family.

In Mr. Hamtaro's absence, a replacement Hamster was purchased. A Mr. TBA now resides in the eldest one's bedroom amongst the XBox and television. Mr. TBA was quoted as saying he's pleased with his new abode as he never had cable at that "stupid petstore". He denies any alliance with Mr. Hamtaro and says that "revenge on the Feline Family is the furtherest (sic) thing from my mind."

In other news:

Am swamped with deadlines and summer-ish activities. Have deduced (from my little bits o' paper on my desk) that I have not two or three but four (4) articles due on the 15th. My, my that's some good planning. Must stop being a wet blanket and agreeing to any and all deadline dates. Must remember to write down deadline dates in Day-Timer immediately instead of Post-Its (tm), which ultimately get stuck on bottom of thong (the shoe sort not the knicker sort) and traipsed through house.

Am now interviewing new cleaning ladies (CL), as mine hasn't showed for the last month and I hear from the m-i-l that she has started a new business with her husband that doesn't involve cleaning my home. Am v. happy for her, but would have appreciated phone call telling of her intentions, so I could make general noises of congratulations and then slam down phone snottily. So far have checked out two, one whom stropplily said that she didn't DO windows (Neither do I, fair lady) and the other was a smoker. No offense to the smoking chickies out there, but my house already teems with enough smells, I don't need to add smoke to it.

Was lovely warm and sunny today, so I sat outside with laptop and conducted a few interviews. Had wonderful chat with sexy doctor-type man about uhm, feminine pains and thoroughly enjoyed self. Then big-ass jumbo jet decided to fly by and gun the motor as he went (or perhaps they were crashing - not sure). Smooth and sexy voiced doctor man then asks where I am. I gaily (ha-ha-he) trill that I am working in my outside office and he asks if I live next to airport, because he just read an interesting study on airline emissions. Uhm, no.

Do have sexy new ankle tan line from outside work station. Must get new shoes to showcase tan.

Smarmy computer repairman didn't call today to deliver the eldest child's computer. Am annoyed as he promised that he'd stop my TODAY. Had to placate eldest with a bag of Teddy Grahams (tm) and Happy Gilmore on the satellite. Not exactly what a tender young boy of 14 should be watching, but I'm harried, so what the heck.

Husband is having a crew build a crypt like hole in the backyard under the guise of a new water feature. Am wondering just how much life insurance the man has amassed in my name. Whispered to children that if mummy goes away for long time to remember to do their homework and kick new mummy in shins. The husband's been awfully lovey-dovey lately. Here I thought it was my feminine wiles and pheromones kicking in.

Home and on the Hunt

Welllllll, we decided to stay another day and arrived late this afternoon. We discovered in our absence that the middle child's hamster had taken his own vacation and is now carousing around the house.

HAMTARO is ON the LOOSE! Everyone on their hands and knees! Don't let the bloody cats IN! Look, I said! Quit whining and find that smelly hamster before the cats DO!

Nothing like coming home to a crisis. Heeee! Must do laundry and finish up novel. More tomorrow on Hamtaro Watch 2003 and my shopping spree.

It's Been Decided

Am packing up the laptop and research, as we are off to Erie for a little beach time and book shopping.

Nothing like last minute travelling.

Be home Saturday, kids. Play nice and don't have friends over and party all night.

Oprah Knows

In the new O mag, I found the perfect quote for writerly moms, dieters and wanna-be fab folks in general:

Get great at the wait.
Be patient- the ability to persevere is what separates the whiners from the winners.

Husband is in overly happy mood as his laptop is being built, his crews are busily working and we are going away soon. He's so euphoric that he just phoned to see if I wanted to go away tonight with him to Erie again. I tell ya, the guy is just Mr. Spontaneous, which really doesn't fit into my structured life. I have a schedule, honey. I do. But I'll still go away if it means drinks and food at Damons. I'm all for eating.

Speaking of eating, what's with my children snarfing down every food product in the house? I swear they do nothing but eat. It must be all the swimming and sunshine, but honestly I've never been to the grocery store so often or spent so bloody much. No sooner do I finish cleaning up after breakfast they come charging in again looking for a snack.

Had lovely phone call from a new editor this a.m. She's been trying to email me for ages, but had the wrong addy. She wants me to send in some ideas as she's in an assigning mood and raved about a previous piece I did for said mag before she arrived. Hey, I've got loads of ideas. Heee.

I've got another two articles to get into and some major invoicing. Yick. Wish I had a magic fairy to do all the drudge work some days. But am not complaining or whining as this is what keeps me at home with the kiddos and not slaving in some smelly office with guys named Chip or Freddie.

OOh, received my books from Amazon! I ordered Kelly James Enger's Ready Set, Specailize (It's FAB!) and The Freelance Success Book, which is a prize for my fabulous readers. Send in your ballots and get your chance to win- today!

Must feed the children again and take advantage of quiet while they are eating to call prospective interviewees.

Oops, I Did it Again

Sheesh!
You'd think that I fell off the planet the way that people get irritated over not updating 'the blog'. Folks, am very busy and it IS summer, a time of rest and sunburning, so please don't fret. My life is really mundane and boring, I swear. I'm not holding out on you. (Except for the sexy parts and maybe the boringly slavish work parts.)

Anyway, gurlfrens, I've been phoning and interviewing, driving and dropping off, eating and screeching, just like any ole day. Except it's sunny and I might have been in the sprinkler for a wee bit o'time. But that's it. I have started my 'draft' of my non-fiction book proposal and it's so laughably gay, I may die. Yes, die.

Eldest (and I daresay crankiest) child went golfing with granddad today. The silence is GOLDEN. No arguing over the gamecube/

I dropped off the middle child to the s-i-l's today for a little Slip-N-Slide time with the cousins. Apparently they think he's a wonderful playmate and occupies mucho time for my s-i-l. Meanwhile, his siblings are breathing a sigh of relief that they have afternoon to themselves.

Of course, I drove to the Falls, avec le hamster, as he had to meet cousin hamster which was hurridedly purchased after the cousins met our lovely hamsters on the weekend. I warned of pooping/peeing problem with hamster when squeezed too hard/much and jumped in my car. Vrrooom.

Ordered husband's new laptop from Dell today. Am hoping he'll stop kvetching over minute computer problem(ae) and leave me the heck alone. Have also stuck new P4 computer for moi in shopping cart. Wonder if he'll notice? The eldest child does need newer computer for (gasp!) high school, so I'm sure husband will relent.

Finally made husband realize that installing new brick walkway in front of house will result in months of sexual favors as well as appeasing his m-i-l when she arrives in October. Have also ordered new garage door with stupid open/closing thingy so could they please come and install ASAP?

Daughter is demanding computer time to visit Barbie.com and I must think (think, think, think said Pooh) about dinner. (Less thinking and more cooking says 4-year old daughter) More soon on the misadventures of being me. (No fair others can ship off their children to grandparents and live carefree life. The Lord said thou must suffer with thy children and then they won't stick you in grotty wretched home when thee are elderly.) OOh, J.J. is on. Whoo-hoo.

OOH, doorbell. Maybe gifty from BIF? Or maybe just respite from the drudgery of work. Ugh.

Dementia Setting In

Had faboo time at b-day/slumber party. We were up till all hours and didn't get overly inebriated. Hee. Came home around 11-ish to shuttle daughter to a birthday party and came home to watch husband and his employees dig hole in backyard for yet another water fountain. Made nourishing BBQ lunch for hot sweaty workers and then swanned off to read book in lounge chair.

I awoke on Sunday to breakie in bed by husband and then delivered eldest child to ONE more birthday party. Do I look like a b-day shoppin', taxi-drivin' mama? OHH YEAH. Spent rest of day resting and reading new book. Had lovely respite at in-laws for dins with b-i-l and family. Children were running amok and came out of spare bedroom with grape colored streaks in hair. WTF? Seems loooooovely s-i-l (who has zero children) brought Toronotian hair product in stunning PURPLE color for children to wear in hair. They all looked as if they'd swished heads in grape Kool-Aid. Charming. I had to chaperone hamsters to in-laws so that cousins could "oh" and "ah-he pooped!" all over their little furry bodies. Have hard time believing I've become a rodent chauffeur.

Was busy today with 8:30 a.m. meeting downtown and endless (phone is surgically attached to head) phonecalls. Then had forty million children running through house in a so-called play-date. Handed out many snacks and juices and feel serious depression setting in as biggest convo today was about who used the bathroom last and if they washed their bloody hands.

Husband has dutifully taken offspring with him to in-laws to help f-i-l build makeshift IKEA product and give Mummy a break. Youngest children are then staying at the grandma/pa homestead to give refrigerator a break.

Had two more assignments land in Inbox today. I must say that it's getting a bit tiresome, considering I'm going to have to move to Aruba this winter to avoid serious tax penalties. Hate taxes and endless filing of quarterly crappola. Hate accountant who gleefully cashes checks.

Am off to find cottage to rent. Have decided that I really want to go to one and since I'm paying, I'll go. OOh, found lovely one. Only $2600 a week. Gasp, choke, bwahahahahahaaaa.

Yeah, right.

Pants on Fire

Okaaaaaaaaay......
I lied. I ended up finishing the article(s) and then organized the little kids' room. I moved all the furniture (even the bloody bunkbed), vacuumed every nook, threw out three bags o' crap and then ironed (what??) my capris. I fell into bed at 11:30 and slept like a rock.

What the heck is wrong with me?

Today I'm getting ready to partay with the girls again. It's my bestest friend's birthday today and my dearest husband booked a room at the Four Points' for us to have a slumber party tonight! Wheeeeee! I've been out buying my brains out this afternoon:

1. 3 bottles of wine
2. Two cute tops and a pair of khakis for the birthday girl
3. 1 chocolate cake
4. Diet coke
5. Cashews and other assorted nuts for noshing
6. Magazines for us to dish about (loudly)
7. Body Shop candles and body lotions for us all to try
8. Bug spray (this is for the fly problem in my house-disgusto!)
9. New camisole and cutie patootie capri sleep pants for ME and b-day girl

We are heading up to the hotel at 4:30 to check-in and order the Chinese food for dins. My b-day girlfriend is so excited to get OUT of her house and away from her six kids for the night. Heee! It's going to be pretty wild with four house wives hit the pool and room service!

Sent the husband and kiddies to the zoo today so I could pack, shop and clean abode in peace. He's then going to clean out garage in order to facillitate the arrival of new garage door with electronice up and down thingy. Good husband!

Will post tomorrow about how bad hangover is and about our new houseguests inhabiting la casa. (Hint: they are small, furry and squeak and/or pee when squeezed too much.)

Have a great weekend, y'all! Mwah!!