Because of Alex's health and my fear of leaving him here until he's stable, I've had to cancel my trip out to Reno for the end of next month. My mother happens to live in Reno and was one of the reasons I decided to take another junket out there. We usually only see each other once a year, and this year I was trying to make a concerted effort to see her more.
Well, after breaking the news to her a few weeks ago, she now calls and leaves plaintive messages on my voice mail, asking why, Why, WHY can't I come out again? Am I trying to make her bereft? Can't I see she's just pining away waiting for her only daughter to show her face? Oy, she may even have the consumption while I fritter away my time here (with my FAMILY no less! She has NO ONE. NO ONE, I say!) in Canada.
Today, after deleting another message, the guilt hit me. I am a horrid daughter and maybe I should be going out to see her. What if she was hit by a bus tomorrow? Wouldn't I feel terrible if she was still stewing over my cancelled trip? I've schlumped around the house today agonizing over whether I did the right thing, even though I KNOW that if I went anyway, I'd be wracked with even MORE motherly guilt, which is even worse. I've missed two interviewees calling me back, after making the poor decision to not answer, fearing it would be her. God forbid she reads my blog and then steps up her twice daily phone vigil!
In other news, I find myself missing my LTBF (Long-Term-Best-Friend) in the worst way. We just finalized details of our Florida trip in June, so it's not like I won't get to see her soon, I'm just getting moody probably. I hate sometimes being so out of touch from my FL life. I miss the beach desperately and on days like this, even can forget the cucarachas the size of small dogs. I was reading Shape yesterday, and it advised for me to just call her, so I may just do that.
I've been reading so many new studies and press releases lately that I've decided that even if you do lose all the weight you shouldn't be carrying, exercise faithfully, and brush your teeth thricely, you're still gonna die, so why bother forgoing that delish brownie? Live large baby! And SHOP, for godsakes! Buy something NEW for yourself! No martyr ever looked good in rags.
OOh, got lovely check for $148 today, which ALMOST paid for my thrice weekly visit to the stupid grocery store. Why do my children (and husbando) eat sooo much? Do you know that money could be in a money-market acct. or perhaps on a new pair of kicky kitten heels?