Too Fabulous for Words

It's Friday and I'm in Love

Huzzah, another week gone and now it's a long weekend because Canada is gay and has something called the May 2-4 weekend (Look it up, it's got something to do with beer. You know Canadians and their beer.) or as some like to call it Victoria Day. (All hail England!)

Have I mentioned that I've been OD'ing on macadamia nuts as of late? (NUTS!) No? Well, I may have to take up the ancient art of hooking to keep my addiction in check. Have been popping these babies like Elvis took Valiums. NOMNOMNOMNOM.

Which brings me to a deep thought, (by Jack Handey) I've been having issues lately with eating. NO. It's not the snarfing down of 56799 calorie macadamia nuts, it's something more. I have no way to explain it, so I'll just tell you what I told my doctor: Most food, right now, has been grossing me out. So much so, that I can't even eat more than a few bites. And if I do eat something that involves chewing for longer than 15 seconds, I get sick to my stomach. It's the weirdest fucking thing, because OBVIOUSLY, I loves me some food. I love cooking it, reading about it and shopping for it. (Toilet paper on the other hand I could totally not care about.)

Anyway, in the past few weeks, I've lost over 23 lbs. because this food thing is not going away. And while the stupid teenager part of me (Squee! Am skinneeee!) is fine with all this shit, the logical part of my brain is saying HELLO! STUPID! WHAT IS GOING ON?

So, am going to get tested. To see where this where gag reflex/food aversion/retardedness is going. I keep thinking maybe it's from stress. I've got all these dumb lovely kids, a husband with two businesses, and my own career. But then I get all panicky because isn't an upset stomach a sign of bad thing/even more bad thing/even worst bad thing? As a health writer, I get waaay too much bad information sent my way.

That being said, I am in good spirits! (C'mon! Help a girl out here!) Have noticed that my favorite famous internet girlfriend has written about me on her blog. And if you don't believe her, a real actress and comedian extraordinaire, you probably don't believe in Santa, either, you ass. (It's too bad she won't let me be her stalker, because I'd totally buy her pretty stuff and brush her hair and maybe fold her laundry if I wasn't high.)

As a total aside...AGAIN. Last night we went to my husband's 98 (I've been saying she's 97 and she finally told me last night she's 98! NINETY EIGHT!) year old grandmother's for dinner. She's a totally kick-ass kind of lady, as she still lives alone in her little 2 bedroom apt., makes homemade strawberry & raspberry jam throughout the year, and makes some AWESOME blueberry muffins.) Anyway, after dinner, I brought the baby home and the husband and the two older kids stayed over at her place. Cue this morning: 4:45 am. baby wakes up to nurse for the 42 seconds it takes her to go back to bed. I spot a light coming from downstairs. I sit up. Light goes off. Two seconds later, light goes on again. I stand up and grab phone. Creep toward door. Light goes off again. WTF? I push 9 on phone. I walk to hallway. Light flickers. I push 1. I reach steps. Just as I'm about to hit 1 AGAIN, husband rounds corner. AGGGGH! Have coronary and die. No, I throw phone at husband. WHAT is he doing home? Well, he couldn't sleep at Grandmother's, so he came home to scare the shit out of his wife. Go back to bed all shaky and pale.

Husband:I was wondering what that beeping was! Heh. Can't believe you were going to call 9-1-1 on me...

Me: FUCK OFF. I was trying to save self and babeh from being raped and pillaged. You are so not talking to me right now.

Husband: So?

Husband: What do you want to talk about?

And with that...I go to bed, my pets. MWAH. (And does anyone else heart the Cure like I do? No? Is just me?)

(Let's) Hump Day

Am sorry internets. Had a busy weekend with Mother's Day festivities. Then Monday came and I was under a hundred deadlines. And yesterday I thought about blogging, but I decided to have wine instead and totally forgot what a blog even was.

Today, I've been wracking my brain all day trying to think of how to make it up to you. I have a new shopping post that I'm almost ready to post and I want to do some linkies for some of my favorite new people, but GAWD, am lazy.

Instead, I'll tell you about some of the Worst Presents of All Time that I've Received ®.

When I was six, my auntie sent me a folding Holly Hobbie table and chairs for my birthday. The day that I opened it, I sat down in the chair and it pinched the back of my leg so badly I started bleeding and had to go to the ER. My aunt tried to sue the company, but as far as I know, I didn't get any money out of it. Although, she did move to a nicer condo in Florida after that. Hmmmm.

On my 17th birthday, my mom took me to a fancy-pants (read: A step-up from Super Cuts) for a perm. Six weeks later, I was still wearing my hair in a tight pony tail because my hair looked like ASS. A big, fuzzy llama's ass. Never has a curler touched my head again.

For my wedding shower, which was held in Canada because I'd already moved up here, my mother-in-law decided that instead of asking the guests to buy me something useful, like a fucking can opener, she'd ask everyone to chip-in $15 each so I could buy sheets. (She said she was too embarrassed to ask for $20 per person. What were we? The fucking Walton's?) For a bed I didn't even own yet. When the soon-to-be-husband and I didn't even have a dish and two forks between us. I have all sorts of gay pictures of a floral sheet set in a laundry basket sitting beside me and me and my best friend trying not to cry.

I'll have you know, those sheets weren't even high thread count. They were Percale, y'all.

The first Christmas I was married, my husband bought me a $400 cappuccino maker. Which is great if either he or I drank coffee. I used it once. TO THIS DAY, he brings up the fact that he bought that stupid thing, to which I say, "YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ME A VIBRATOR. THAT I WOULD HAVE USED."

Over the years, my m-i-l has been the bearer of some of the worst gifts. (As an aside, the 1st Christmas that my b-i-l and s-i-l were married she bought the s-i-l a neon green kimono. A fucking quilted kimono. No guff. It was hideous. And my poor s-i-l said thanks. I would have said, "Are you freaking insane?")

About five years ago, she bought a remote car starter for us for Christmas. Although it was a great idea (warm up the car before venturing out into freezing temps!) sadly our car alarm wouldn't function with it. She offered to take it back for us. AND. KEPT. THE. MONEY.

Two years ago, my mother-in-law bought me a Shark AND a Magic Bullet. (Sadly the Magic Bullet is not a vibrator, it's an effin' blender.) When she asked if I was going to keep them (uhm, NO, I prefer products that aren't hawked on TV.) She then said she'd return them for me and later I found out she sold them to a co-worker. MAH GIFTS. SOLD. FOR PROFIT.

That being said, the husband hasn't gotten off scot-free over the years. There was the Christmas a few years ago where he bought me a vacuum. Mind you it, it's a smoking hot $700 vacuum, but it's still A VACUUM.

He has redeemed himself as of late, though. He got me the Canon Rebel Pro (still have no clue what to do with it, but it is pretty!) and most recently my preshus MacBook Air for my birthday.

Oh, and this year? Besides a casserole set? My mother-in-law gave me a GPS. Which is awesome. And kind of weird. Because I am still waiting for my own quilted kimono.

It's only a matter of time, right?

Friday Five

1. I am tired. I'm so glad this week is OVAH. SRSLY? What is UP with the deadlines, editors?

2. Am so over American Idol. *sobs* for Jason

3. There is NO good Chinese food in our town. Or even in any nearby towns. I miss Ollie's in NYC, so vera, vera much.

4. Still in love with mah hair. Am narcissistic? No, am just practical. Is so easy, breezy Mama Girl.

5. Am gearing up for Mother's Day. Will husband remember? Will children care? Will I sleep in? Will cats barf on my rug? (yes)

Up Next! My new make-up finds and less phoning it in.

I CAN HAS THE INTERNETS!

Oh, hi! Did you miss me? Well, I missed YOU, my dear internets. Our modem died a spazzy-ass death and left us with no internet access for the last two days.

*cry*

Techy man just left and I actually sobbed with joy as I opened Safari and my email.

Interwebs, how I have missed thee.

Now must catch up on blogs, mah tweets, oh, and WORK, I guess. Sheesh.

Hugs to everyone. Even you asshats. I love everyone today.

OH, HAI!

I woke up this morning to find that the beautiful, witty and totally hump-worthy Jenny from The Bloggess and Good Mom/Baaaad Mom has bequeathed unto me the award (SHUT UP! IT IS AN AWARD!) sorry, the LINK from the Houston (We have a problem) Chronicle. On a Sunday, YO. Which you know is muy importante, because only REAL news happens on the weekends. The rest is of the week is just FILLER.

Anyway, Jenny, whom I've been stalking for while now (I don't know why she won't let me come over and bleach her mustache already, sheesh.), decided that one of mah posts about mah kids' Grandad throwing our dead cat in the garbage was NEWSWORTHY. INTERNET NEWSWORTHY, so there. And despite the fact that she is currently on bail for holding captive Guy Kawasawki (NOT the motorcycle guy. I KNOW!) and for saying the word vagina waaay too much, she totally gave me this awesome badge, which I plan to make into an a t-shirt for the summer. P.S. She also wants to feed the starving kids of this world shoes from TJ MAXX, but I still love her.

That being said, my day did not end so wonderfully. We went to to the in-laws for dinner and we had HAM, and you know how I feel about ham. GAH. (The only good thing was I went to the MALL by myself, spent $289 and there was NOT ONE FUCKING CUTE SKIRT IN THE MALL? WTF?)

So! Tomorrow! Am going to BF's annual "tea" where we all dress up and wish we were drinking vodka instead of Earl Grey. And, OH, SHIT. The husband has ALIEN on and it's going to give me nightmares.

Great.

P.P.S. New make-up post coming soon! Just in time for your spring face! Ha. Get yer wrinkles out, kids

A Conversation at 6:45 am

Baby: Blah, bla, kitty, up!, Gooo! Down. Up! Blah, bla, Ahhh, oh hai!

Husband: Oh, looks who's awake! Did you have a good sleep?

Baby: Up!

Husband: Let's snuggle!

Me: zzzzzz

Baby: Jah, bah, kitty! Up, up, UP! Eat! Down!

Husband: Do you want to come downstairs with me?

Baby: Gooo!

Me:

Husband: Okay, let's go!

Me: WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO LOUD?

Baby: UP! DADA UP!

Husband: Do you want some breakfast?

Husband: What should I give her?

Me: A pancake? Some cheese and some fruit? (I don't know, just go away, okthxbai)

Husband: And to dip?

Me: Put some syrup in a little bowl. But only a teeny bit, otherwise she drinks it.

Husband: Oh, I was going to give her the big, green popcorn bowl and pour the whole bottle in it.

Husband: She'd be shellacked in syrup. She'd like that, you know.

Baby: Go! Out!

Me: I'm going back to sleep. NOW.

Amazingly when I finally woke up, the house was syrup free and her sticky hands were washed.

And so the weekend starts...

And There Will Be No American Idol Tonight

BAH. Has gotten too boring. Neil Diamond night? OY! Started to re-cap and then deleted it, because whole show was crap.

As for day, lost my whole back-up files for Documents, which is LIKE MAH LIFE, and then was able to find it and resume normal business activities. Was muy stressful. Am still all shaky and muttering to myself about it. (P.S. Have I mentioned I owe $2900 in taxes? GAH, GAH, GAH.)

Toddlers favorite new word? EAT. (and then we point to mouth, in case we didn't get the word EAT.) Am running to kitchen 374 times a day for little skinny-minny baby.

Also? She has determined if she invents a boo-boo, she can get ice and many kisses for her efforts. HMMMM. Am raising a hypochondriac. Sounds like the husband has had an influence.

Sorry, but the girls kick ASS on Hell's Kitchen. I do love me some Gordon Ramsay. That man can swear. Like a mutha ucka.

Baby is lying on floor with cheek stuck to book. Am thinking she should go to bed. Or perhaps WE should.

Un-Deep Thoughts

Gah. Have been so busy. Lots of to'ing and fro'ing and such. Is really making me very sleepy.

I received my income taxes back from accountant today. I owe $2900+. Which is like really crappy. Screw off freelancing.

Have been craving pickles lately (AMNOTPREGNANT.SHUTUP) but the instant I have one I regret it.

My pedicure is still holding fast. The mani on the other hand (HEH) is looking pretty shabby.

Am sitting here watching Friends, which is lame, but am too lazy to get up and find remote. Oh, wait now Everybody Loves Raymond is on. Excellent.

Am in dire need of some new clothes, but have no time to go to mall, because a) am busy and b) am still busy.

I've noticed that my m-i-l calls waaaaay too often. Should I just not answer? No, can't do that because SHE CALLS BACK.

Husband is out buying me dinner somewhere as I have headache size of Mexico and CAN'T COPE with dinner making activities. Children are at in-laws because apparently am too boring or some such nonsense.

Also? Husband hasn't called back to say what dining possibilities are. Hmmph.

Baby is having power nap. Has been down since 5:30. Who wants to wager bet that she'll wake up at 10 and be up until 4 am? UGH.

Am loving new haircut. Is much shorter and hairstylist assured me is new "it" do at all the HAIR conferences. Wondering if I should believe her.

ANNND, it's Monday. Am thinking this is reason for general malaise and discontent. Perhaps Tuesday will be better?

P.S. I need Emily, Safak and Miss JenW to email me your snail mails. (That is if you want me to send you something start stalking you. I promise not to share with the internets nor telemarketers. And I totally won't make fun of you, unless you live on Crazy Beaver Road.

URG-AGH-HATE INTERWEBS

Have had most ghastly day. Woke up to internets not working. Stupid ISP wouldn't even work for main computer. 5 hours later, plus new router, plus many hours of tech support equals one crabby Kimber? Am now trying to get Windows XP on network. Have wasted whole day. Am disgusted.

Did make self scrummy chicken with a spinach garlic cream sauce. Yummy.

Am now watching America's Next Top Model, cycle uhm, 5? 6? Whatevs, MTV.

Anyway, am waaaay too peeved to do proper post, so let's just call it a night.

And Now a Word from Our Sponsor*...

I had a chat tonight with a woman who is almost 70. She grew up in a horse-loving household, and yet her father discouraged her to not learn to ride a horse. I told her how inspired I was to hear that she had self-taught herself in the past few years to ride and that I thought she was bringing seventy, sexy back.

And that made me think. Really think (When you gotta problem, think, think, think!) about how I've been in a rut the past year or so and not the old fun ME. WARNING: Boring, introspective tripe ahead.

So here are a few things that I've resolved (I KNOW! Resolutions are for NEW YEAR'S EVE ONLY. But fuck that. It's mah life. I can resolve all my mis-uses of the word later.)

1. I'm giving up white flour and sugar, again. I know, I KNOW. I got pregnant and went on that whole grits bender and then it was Wonder bread and then onto sweet, sweet crack. Anyway, am off it. (And feel 134% better. Already.)

2. I'm going easy on the meat. I'm sure quite a few people can testify to this, in the past few days, that I've been suddenly grossed out by tendons and veiny bits and the things that make them resemble WHAT they used to be. I love me some beef, but I'm one PETA video away from going vegan on your ass.

3. Have quit fast food for the whole family. (Oh, and also chain restaurants.) After reading WHAT I've read and eating what I've eaten, I've determined that fast food sucks. (Amen) And chains? It's like fast food, but it's MICROWAVED. (Hello, Applebee's?) And I LOVE, LOVE, LOOOOVE going out to eat. (Because any night I don't have to cook is a night when the husband gets a blow job.) But alas, I think we need to eat more at home and if we eat out, we shall pick restaurants that focus on local produce/cuisine, no matter what town we happen to be staying. (Did I tell you about my yellow turkey dinner I ordered last summer up near the cottage? NO? Oh, be glad. I'll save that one for another day.)

4. I'm going to try and PUT myself out there more. Make sense? No? For years, I've always been very complacent to just be pleasant and nice while dealing with the public/journalists/locals/waylaid family members and not really making any new friendships or businessy folks. I now feel the need to try and round up some folks who get me. Understand me. And perhaps (choke!) complete me. I don't expect to get through this life alone, and I would like to do it with a hella' good crowd behind/next to me.

5. I want to laugh more. I know, I know. My husband is funny. My kids are funny. But I want more funny in my life. I've added waaaaay more peeps to my bookmarks lately, so expect some changes there soon. I won't be deleting anyone off my blogroll (unless they no longer exist) because if you add me, I'll add you. But I'll also be adding the people who make every day a little bit more fun.

6. And finally... I'll be blogging more. I can't tell you how much it has helped me artistically to blog the past 24 days (!) and how it's been great for mah brain. As for my Twitter peeps, thanks for letting me bombard you with non-sensical Play House Disney Porn. (And you foreign people-thanks for just following!) You all have made my working mornings, uhm, (smooshee hug) complete.

Feel free to go gag now.

And now, I'm going to bed, y'all. I gotta let these wrinkles dissipate somehow.

*Ex-Lax, where you never run out of shit to say.